Wednesday, October 19, 2011

72 Years Is Not Enough Time For Love

The fires of love they fanned.
They weathered the small and grand.
Through good times and strife
they both shared one life
and they go out hand in hand.

A couple, married for 72 years, died in the hospital, holding each other's hand. From the article:

"It was really strange, they were holding hands, and dad stopped breathing but I couldn't figure out what was going on because the heart monitor was still going," said Dennis Yeager. "But we were like, he isn't breathing. How does he still have a heart beat? The nurse checked and said that's because they were holding hands and it's going through them. Her heart was beating through him and picking it up."

Pardon me. I have something in my eye.

Monday, October 17, 2011

What Is The Current Market Price For Children?

The Catholics say they've a heart
because they help families start.
The guilt goes away
if you will just pray
after tearing a family apart.

Catholics in Spain are accused of stealing nearly 300,000 babies from their mothers, and selling those babies to 'fit' parents. That is 15% of all adoptions in Spain over the 50 years. A network of nurses, doctors and priests would tell women that their child had died, but they could not see the body or attend the funeral.

Why did they have to stop? The Spanish government started regulating adoptions.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

In Which I Reveal My True Love

The thought of it sets me to shakin'.
When near me it sets my loins quakin'.
I jump up and down
when I hear the sound
of my one truest love, bacon.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Dick Perry Is At It Again

Climate Change, again on trial
because Dick is still in denial.
Scientists pull their names
because they have brains.
And Dick's is a steaming pile.

Every scientist associated with an environmental report have asked that their names be taken off that report after every reference to climate change and sea level rise were scrubbed by appointees of Dick Perry. They have gone from sticking their fingers in their ears going "la la la la" to actively lying to people about the science.

Great job, Dick.

The Long, Long, Long, Long Goodbye

When you know that all you see
will be nothing, eventually
It'll make you mad.
You'll think you've been had.
Please die in a fire, entropy.

Entropy has always seemed to me to be the most...insufficient end to such a wonderful, glorious universe.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Surfin' Safari

Want to catch waves as a lark,
and surfboards don't provide a spark?
Then take a new tack,
be like Doug Niblack
and surf on the back of a shark.

Doug Niblack, a surfer in Oregon, was doing what surfers do. He ran into something, and was knocked off his surfboard. Then he found himself standing on the back of a shark. He then surfed that shark like a boss.

Watch The Guild. Do It. Now.

At last now my week has been filled.
The season's last show of The Guild!
'Tis true, it's the end.
But fret not my friends:
they won't leave us long unfulfilled.

Congratulations to Felicia Day, Sandeep Parikh, Jeffy Lew, Vincent Caso, Amy Okuda, and Robin Thorsen on completing another amazing season of The Guild. It was a joy to watch, and the cameos were icing on a delicious, funny cake.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Recipe For Matrimonial Bliss

Can't find a bride? What's to be done?
Tried dating and failed and you're stunned?
Don't worry, don't fret!
There's hope for you yet.
If you need a wife, just take one!

Cuttlefish (grrr) shared a link about a worldwide problem. Men are kidnapping girls, some as young as 14, in order to force them to marry. In some cultures this is a religious issue, in some it is just how things are done.

I got my wife the old fashioned way.

Millard. Is That Even A Real Name?

Leading the pack is dear Mitt,
a duplicitous little shit.
He'll make a comment
Say" That's not what I meant"
then smile like a self-absorbed git.

I'm not a fan of Mitt Romney, either. He's a two-faced liar, who will always say whatever he think the current crowd wants to hear. The fun thing to watch this election cycle is how he simultaneously panders to the religious right, while talking down his Mormonism. Selling the idea that religion doesn't matter to Christian fundamentalists is an exercise in cognitive dissonance that should be hilarious.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Why I Am An Atheist

The beauty of life that we see
from an ant to the tallest tree
is explained by science.
There's no reliance
on anything, supernaturally.

I am an atheist because
I looked at religion and saw
that every belief
offers no relief
and each one is fatally flawed.

If we can let religions go
only then can we all know:
We're here together
in this grand adventure
and only as one can we grow.

There is a grandeur to this view
Darwin once said. It's still true.
Beautiful endless forms
have become transformed.
Open your mind, you'll see it too.

PZ Myers has put out a call for submissions of short essays on "Why I Am An Atheist". I prefer my essays in limerick form.

Even The Monkeys Are Ashamed

I still hope that we, as a group
won't define ourselves by our troop.
I know we're monkeys
but I still thought we
had evolved past flinging our poop.

Rebecca Watson shares a tale from the BBC in which ultra-orthodox Jews flung feces, among other less disgusting items, at girls just trying to get to school. Religion causes de-evolution?

And yes, I know that we are not technically monkeys.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Sloppy Joe

The right has just gotten dumber
now that they have Joe the Plumber.
His candidacy
is irrelevancy.
With thoughts he is not encumbered.

"Joe" the Plumber, flavor of the week from the 2008 presidential race, has announced that he will run for Congress. This is great news for Marcy Kaptur, the House's longest serving female member.

Scruffy, Prescient And Wise

In prison you take what you get.
Though sometimes you make a bad bet.
But what can you do?
Things go bad when you
make sangria in your terlet.

Twelve prisoners got botulism after drinking hooch made from contraband food.

Of course, it's shank or be shanked.

My Rowdy Friend

If Hank Williams Junior had sense,
he would work at mending this fence.
But sense he has spurned
and now he has learned
that an action has a consequence.

Oh, Hank. You so silly.

Pictured: jazz hands and fail

Herman Cain, Foreign Policy Guru

Some people think he's a saint,
but I think his ideas are quaint.
There's a thing or two
that Herman can do
And lots of things that Herman Cain't.

Herman Cain, Republican presidential hopeful, has stated that he doesn't care at all who is in charge of one of the countries that we might have to rely on in our war with Afghanistan. Knowing our international partners might not create a job, Mr. Cain, but it might go a long way in keeping our soldiers alive.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

God Hates Tebow, Too

I guess that it just goes to show
it doesn't matter who you know.
He'll have to pray more
to rack up the score.
It's clear that god hates Tim Tebow

As both of my readers know, I am not a fan of Tim Tebow. Well, he had his first NFL start today. God did not see fit to grant him a win.

Tortured Rhyme

It don't matter who broke what law.
This has to be the last straw!
This never bodes well,
A fate worse than hell:
Forced to listen to Rush Limbaugh.

Bridgett Nickerson Boyd was driving along a Texas highway, when her car broke down. Doing the responsible thing, she drove her car to the shoulder, safely out of traffic. Sheriff's Deputy Mark Goad pulled behind her. He then ticketed her for driving in the shoulder. Her "suddenly racing heart" prompted a visit from the paramedics. Deputy Goad then arrested Ms. Boyd after she was examined and released from the hospital. As he was rushing to get her to jail, he cranked up the volume on ol' Rush. A fate worse than death, indeed.

Oh, yeah. As soon as Ms. Boyd was taken in front of a magistrate, all charges were dropped.

When Amish Go Wild

I never thought in my lifetime
I'd have to make this kind of rhyme.
But this is just weird:
They're cutting off beards.
It's Amish-on-Amish crime

Stuebenville, Ohio is Amish country. But some Amish are more Amish than other Amish, and in order to set the not-as-Amish straight, there has been a series of attacks recently. In assaults that can only be called gruesome, they cut off each others' beards. Is nothing sacred? At long last, have we finally lost the last remnants of our humanity?

Friday, October 7, 2011

One Hundredth Limerick

Thank you for all of your clicks
and for putting up with my shtick.
A century done
with lots more to come
I'm at one hundred limericks!

Thank you for taking the time
to visit this li'l blog of mine.
Both of my readers
made me the leader
of skeptical lim'ricks online.

I truly am grateful for each of you that reads my limericks.

Let's Go Jackets!

Now that hockey is back, it's
time that we all raise a racket.
Support your home team.
Let's stand up and scream
and everyone shout: LET'S GO JACKETS!

The Yankees have been eliminated, the Buckeyes are pedestrian, and the Vikings are god-awful.

But now it's hockey season!

It's a sports fan's prerogative to greet the start of every season with hope. This year, however, that hope is warranted. GM Scott Howson made some great moves this past summer, and I think that our hope will be well placed.

Occupy The Nation

Though I can't be there in a tent
We won't let them own our government.
We'll take it no more.
A voice becomes a roar.
We are all the ninety-nine percent.

Occupy Wall Street is still going strong, and with good reason. People have finally stood up and are saying that this country belongs to all of us, not just the richest 1% that can afford to buy and sell politicians.

Freedom isn't free, but it shouldn't be held only for the highest bidder.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Palin Did What Palin Does

The Republican field is done.
The real idiocy has begun.
You can't say she quit
since she wasn't in it.
Sarah has said she won't run

I wish this would end her sideshow
Will she disappear? I hope so.
What does she wait for?
Let's hope that the door
don't hit her in the ass as she goes.

In what could be considered a surprise announcement only to the most die-hard Palinistas, Sarah Palin has said she will not run for president. For anyone with more than two brain cells, however, this is not a shock at all. We all knew that she's in this for the money, and the accountability she would have had to face as a real candidate was too much for her.

RIP, Fred Shuttlesworth

We also mourn Fred Shuttlesworth.
Some think he was afflicted at birth
But he proved that skin
don't show what's within.
He was clearly too good for this earth.

“A person who can’t stand for something will fall for anything.”
Fred Shuttlesworth

The Rev Fred Shuttlesworth died last night, aged 89. He was one of the "Big Three" leaders of the Civil Rights Era. Although I am certain that we would have disagreed about religion, I stand with him that we are all equals, and none of us should be treated differently because of how he looks, or who he might love, or what sex she might be.

We have lost a true hero, and a patriot who truly lived the ideals on which this country was founded.

The "afflicted at birth" line is to point out the idiocy of racism. We are all humans. None of use are different than the next. Let's stop acting like we are.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

RIP, Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs has just passed us by.
On his visions we all could rely.
Now he is gone,
but he will move on
to that great iPad in the sky.

For a time, I drank deeply from the kool-aid that is the Cult of Mac. I realized that the 'cool' factor was not enough, for me, to make up for the price difference. Steve Jobs did, however, help usher all of us into the future. Apple Computers introduced the world to personal computing, and his vision is second to none.

The world has lost a legend.

Edited to add: FUCK CANCER

All He Wanted Was A Piano

Tim Minchin's not asking for much
but these morons are out of touch.
They shout "Tim, go home!
"Leave Dallas Alone!"
I think they use a crooked crutch.

So Paula and Norbert miss out.
They call their magic friend and pout.
They'll pray 'round the clock.
But will he still rock?
Beyond any shadow of doubt.

Tim Minchin, musician, comedian, all around great guy, is having a show in Dallas. He needed to rent a piano for that engagement, which is fairly common. After Paula and Norbert searched for his music on Youtube, they sent him an email calling him a demon, saying that they wouldn't rent a piano to him for $1 million. They then said "Please cancel the Entire Event in Dallas. Go back to Australia. We do not appreciate Tim Minchin in TX. Love in Christ, Norbert & Paula".

Christian love, indeed. I guess it's better than them proselytizing at the show.

Multiversal Meals

There once was a lass from Morocco
who fancied her neighbor named Paco.
She said to him, "Sweets,
you've still got to eat,
so take a big bite of my taco."

I wrote this for Jon Rosenberg because Scenes From  A Multiverse is doing a Taco Week. Which is a good thing, because tacos are awesome.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Equality Is For Math

Some people think that it's great
to say who you can and can't date.
But let's not forget
it's good to have debt
when government pays for the hate.

Boehner has tripled the budget for legal defense of the Defense of Marriage Act. He'll shut down the government because of debt-ceiling idiocy, saying we must cut expenditures, then he spends more money.

Thanks, BlagHag

A Fart In A Hurricane

Lim’ricks don’t fall from a tree
I’ve been at this for a year (or three).
There’s naught good to say
for toiling away
in anonymous obscurity.

I posted this limerick on Camels with Hammers, a philosophy site with Freethought Blogs, along with this post:

I once harbored delusions that skeptical limericks would make it possible for my voice to be heard, to meekly rise above the din of thousands of others whose opinions echoed mine. I still have a voice, and have (or, had) a unique way of expressing myself. Alas, life got in the way, and I stopped producing limericks for a time. Now Cuttlefish has been doing his Headline Muse, and I fear that I will be seen as a copycat, attempting to cash in on the work that he has done.

I will keep doing what I have been, however, and be grateful for those readers I have.

But what is a (not-so) humble limerickist to do?

I still harbor a delusion that in the "Phase III" of PZ Myers' plan for atheist world domination, that I will soon get an email from Ed Brayton, benevolent overlord of FtB, asking me to join the fold. I quickly push those notions aside because, as overwhelmingly grateful as I am for the 50 pagehits I get a day, I am just a fart in the hurricane that is Freethought Blogs.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Could God Create An Alien So Bizarre Even Kirk Wouldn't Have Sex With It?

Whenever your childhood ends
most people set a few trends.
They might find a job
grow up and move on
and give up invisible friends.

This may sound a little bit weird,
but I hope someday it is clear.
We'll find evidence
of intelligence
'cause there's fuck all of it here.

Religious "thinkers" have determined that, if we were to come across intelligent life ion the universe, they would believe in the same gods we have. Because nothing says "moving the goalposts" than cramming deities into what little gaps are left in our scientific knowledge.


Rhymes With "Diggerhead"

Dick Perry's problems get bigger.
Cain's campaign has pulled the trigger.
Can paint on a rock
help drop Perry's stock?
Depends how he is as a digger.

A hunting camp leased by Dick Perry's father, then by Dick himself, has a rock near the entrance. This rock was painted with the name of the camp, a name which is still used by locals.

The name of that hunting camp? "Niggerhead"

Perry has said that the camp's name is "an offensive name that has no place in the modern world." But, according to the Washington Post, the name, painted on a flat rock near the entrance to the camp, could still be made out.

Of course Dick Perry disputes the name for the camp, and says that the name was painted over in "1983 or 1984." This explains why it's now known locally as "Perryhead", right?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Render Unto God Whatever He Wants

Pastors think they have the right
to get into political fights.
I think the fact is,
if they paid taxes
then they'd have a voice in the fight.

Pastors have decided that tax-free income is not enough. They feel that they should be able to use that money, as well as the power it provides, to be able to espouse political dictates from the pulpit.

I'm okay with them using whatever waning influence at their disposal, as long as they pay taxes. You can't have it both ways, people. Either pay taxes and be a political institution, or stay tax-free and keep your invisible friend out of politics. Freedom of religion means that I am allowed to be free of your religion, as well.

Dropping Like A Stone

I don't think I can take much more.
The offense just can't seem to score.
My fingers stay crossed
but this one's 'bout lost.
The Vikings are now oh and four.


Well, there's always next year, right?

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Almighty God Asked, I Answered

Vicki Hartzler is a toad.
whose brain is in the commode.
She says "Don't feel bad
it's law in this land".
Then says she's not a homophobe.

Vicki Hartzler, a U.S. Congresswoman from Missouri, said that gays shouldn't feel bad that she put forth an amendment defining marriage as solely between a man and a woman. Vicki Hartzler is a bitch.

@almightygod asked a favor. I have no choice but to comply.

Denial Is Still A River In Egypt

How long can they still deny
the climate is going awry?
The world's transforming:
It's clear there is warming
but the liars still spread their lies.

Regardless of what the facts say, or how much evidence is presented, there are still some that say the climate is not changing. I call them liars.

JT Found A Place.

Congrats, JT, on your new home.
It's shiny, like new polished chrome.
You're more than a cog
in the Freethought Blogs
and now you will not have to roam.

JT Eberhard is a blogger and secular activist, who just got a new spot at Freethough Blogs.