Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year!

Awwww yeah. New year, new look for the worldwide leader in skeptical limericks! Among the changes, you might have noticed the new CafePress store to your right. I am going to try and introduce geeky, godless and limerick inspired stuff there.

Let's make 2012 the Year of the Limerick!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Santorum Surges. The Mayans Were Right!

Santorum is having a surge.
In Iowa the derp has splurged.
He's come from the back
and now leads the pack
and my lunch is back on the verge.

The last time Santorum went out of control.
Rick Santorum is "surging" in the Iowa polls. Ick.

Dumb As Far As They Eye Can See.

Anti-vax on New Year's Eve?
For facts, it is time to grieve.
For truth they don't care.
They feel they must share.
things people shouldn't believe.

The National Vaccine Information Center (NVIC) has decided to run an "educational" video on the dangers of vaccines during the New Year's Eve celebrations in Times Square. Whooping cough has started to become much more of an issue in New York, and the idiots at NVIC feel that there aren't enough sick kids around. Don't mistake me, I am a firm believer in parents' rights and informed consent, but these people push the envelope of stupidity with these advertisements.

Randi, Skepchick and Cuttlefish have much more on this issue.

My children are vaccinated as well.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Why You Should Service Your Customers.

Customer service ain't hard
You just have to stay on your guard.
Treat people like they
gave you their money.
In short: just don't act like a tard.

This is the face of stupid.

Paul Christoforo has decided that his ego is more important than his customers.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

This Is A Thing That Actually Exists On My Planet.

The holidays have left me fogged.
Mired in a cookie-filled bog.
As much as I drink
I would never think
of collecting the shit from a log.


It's better than bad.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Ah, Pope Benny. Never Short On Laughs.

Of all things the Pope has decried
this is a dumb one to deride.
I'm glad the pontiff
hates money. But what if
we knew all that he wants to hide?

The Pope, perched upon his throne and receiving a golden chalice encrusted with precious gems, has decried the "commercial glitter of Christmas". Apparently without a hint of a wry, ironic smile.

He also called for his followers to remember the "essence" of Christmas. Which I suppose would be a return to the old Norse mythologies that brought us the celebrations. This rambling screed has some actual facts in it. Click IF YOU DARE!

The money quote from the Pope's Christmas mass:

"If we want to find the God who appeared as a 
child, then we must dismount from the high horse
of our 'enlightened' reason," he said

Yup. Those of us enlightened souls who use reason to live out our short lives on this rock are just on a "high horse". A perch from which, the Pope proclaims, we must be knocked down.

Not Pictured: Irony

On The Twelfth Day Of Christmas...

The voices in my head are humming.
The whiskey is pleasantly numbing.
I've used all my cheer
'til Christmas next year
Now I must drown out the drumming.

Thanks to both of my readers for indulging me this little bit of nonsense.

Here are my two little drummers.

Friday, December 23, 2011

On The Eleventh Day Of Christmas...

As I am furiously typing
I can hear both of you griping.
It took all I had
to make sure you're glad
so here is your damned piper piping

The eyes that haunt my soul.

Fröhlich Krampusnacht!

Don't you dare cuss or swear!
If you are bad say a prayer!
If you do wrong
he'll drag you along.
Beware of the Krampus! Beware!

Some traditions should have been imported. Coal in the stockings is for pussies and communists. Krampus is the evil that America needs.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

On The Tenth Day Of Christmas...

While I was gently sleeping
a lim'rick came a creeping.
I woke in a fright,
I beheld the sight
of a tight-pantsed lord a'leaping.

I shall never sleep again.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

On The Ninth Day Of Christmas...

The season is still advancing
and some things need enhancing.
Crack open a keg
and kick up a leg
and enjoy these ladies dancing.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

On The Eighth Day Of Christmas...

Santa and all of his ilk
for years from believers have bilked
behavior from those
opposed to wear clothes
and kept us from those who give milk.

I make no apologies.

Monday, December 19, 2011

On The Seventh Day Of Christmas...

Sometimes this seems to drag on.
I love it, so don't get me wrong.
I do get a kick
from writing lim'ricks,
but I'd rather go swimming with swans.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

On The Sixth Day Of Christmas...

As I sit here I am gently swaying.
I nearly forgot what I was saying.
Could somebody please
explain 'bout the geese
and tell me just what they are laying.

Pictured: Wut?

Also this.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

On The Fifth Day Of Christmas...

I hope that this doesn't get old.
I hope that you weather the cold.
I'l give you the key
to stay warm: whiskey!
And now here's your ring of gold.

Fun Fact: Originally, the gold ring referred to the ring necked pheasant, making the first seven gifts bird related.

Friday, December 16, 2011

On The Fourth Day Of Christmas...

Fowls on the phone sounds absurd.
They cannot utter a word!
If you're recalling
the birds are calling:
The real line is four colly birds.

Truth*. A colly bird is another name for a blackbird.

*Yes, I know wikipedia is not truth.

Farewell, Hitchens

He raised all our IQs a notch.
Idiocy fell on his watch.
We all know that Hitch
was nobody's bitch,
so let's thank him by raising a scotch.

I've never liked the term "New Atheist". Speaking out against religion is nothing new. That is why the old gods are now seen as myths, and why the current deities are destined to follow.

Christopher Hitchens was a voice against the tyranny of religion, and the idiocy of belief. His voice was silenced after a fight with cancer. I do not agree with all of his political positions, but I have nothing but respect for him.

Oh, yeah:


Thursday, December 15, 2011

On The Third Day Of Christmas...

The season is firmly entrenched.
In spiked eggnog we'll soon be drenched.
It might be the cheer
(or perhaps the beer)
but here are three hens that are french.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

On The Second Day Of Christmas...

Today is now the second day.
I hope your apparel is gay.
May you find peace, love
and two turtle doves,
and cookies from the fat man's sleigh.

On The First Day Of Christmas...

The first day of Christmas is here,
so fire up holiday cheer.
my love gave to me
a bird in a tree that bears pears.

Yup, it's that season again. I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Money Can't Buy Happiness, But It Can Rent To Own

No one I know finds it funny
when you have misplaced your money.
Someone will laugh last
when sums are this vast.
That cash is somewhere warm and sunny.

Jon Corzine, former Democrat Senator and Governor of New Jersey, was the head of MF Global. That company is being investigated after collapsing in October. Corzine has stated that he doesn't know where some of the money has gone, which could total up to $1.2 billion. With a B.

Someone got that money, and they now have another nice vacation home in the Caribbean.

Sunday, December 4, 2011


Religionists talk about trust,
how only their views are just.
If your moral guide's
that ass in the sky
I'll treat your views with disgust.

The headline is "STUDY: RELIGIOUS PEOPLE TRUST ATHEISTS ABOUT AS MUCH AS THEY DO RAPISTS".  They get their morality from a book that endorses slavery and says that a rape victim should be forced to marry her attacker. I get my morality from the idea that this is the only shot we have at life, and we should treat each other like it's their only shot as well. The idea of the Golden Rule, treating other people as you would have them treat you, is a central idea of religions and belief systems across the world, and predates Christianity by millennia. I prefer Confucious's version, personally:

"Zi Gong asked, saying, "Is there one word that may 
serve as a rule of practice for all one's life?" 
The Master said, "Is not RECIPROCITY such a word?"

I touched on the reciprocity idea almost 4(!) years ago in a limerick. Not as eloquent as Confucious, but I think it gets the point across.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

One Down, Derp To Go

Cain has abandoned his run.
His indiscretions left him stunned.
He did something silly:
he thought with his willy
and now I Cain't have as much fun.

I have calculated the fact that Herman Cain abandoned his campaign because of an affair while Gingrich is the front runner to be 1.376 Newtons.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Cookies, Gravity And A Liar.

He uses his god to spout hatred.
His chances to win? Overrated.
If I e'er met Newt
one question I'd shoot:
"Which marriage did you find most sacred?"

Isaac Newton described gravity and laid the foundation for classical mechanics, Fig Newtons are awesome. But why, then, is Newton Gingrich the despicable person he is?

1 Newton (physics) - the amount of net force required to accelerate a mass of one kilogram at a rate of one meter per second squared.

1 Newton (food) - 1 Deliciousness Factor

1 Newton (politics) - A Standardized Level Of Hypocrisy

Example: Newt Gingrich saying that gays will destroy the sanctity of marriage while divorcing his wife as she recovers from cancer so he can marry the woman he was having an affair with, then divorcing that woman to marry another woman he was having an affair with is 3 Newtons of dumb.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Being Mental And Healthy

Some problems are those you can't see
and you wish that you could just flee.
You fight with the fact
your brain fights you back
and wonder if you'll ever be free.

I have, for a while now, been fighting depression. It is a vicious circle. Chronic pain can cause depression, and depression can cause or exacerbate chronic pain. My foot has been hurting me for years now, to the point that, at times, walking is a challenge. The pain has caused me some occasional "downs", but it finally caught up with me over the summer. As I described it to my doctor, when I finally was able to afford to see one (financial difficulties is another reason for my depression), I was worried but not yet scared. I could, in my mind, feel what each of the knives in our house would feel like as it ripped through my arm (down the road, not across the street). But I have never held a knife to myself in order to cause damage. It was all in my head.

Your head can do funny things to you. We are not in the best position, financially, but I have a wife whom I love, and who loves me very much. I have two children who give me endless joy. That doesn't matter when you have a mental health issue.

As I said, I was finally able to talk to someone about my problems. My doctor prescribed 20mg Citalopram nearly 2 months ago. It has taken a while, but I feel that the medication might finally be working and I might have finally turned a corner. Of course it is still early in my treatment and I have a long road ahead of me, but, for the first time in a while, I feel that I might come out the other side of this alright.

Limericks should be returning on a regular schedule shortly.

Thanks to JT Eberhard. His Skepticon IV talk is something everyone should see.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

72 Years Is Not Enough Time For Love

The fires of love they fanned.
They weathered the small and grand.
Through good times and strife
they both shared one life
and they go out hand in hand.

A couple, married for 72 years, died in the hospital, holding each other's hand. From the article:

"It was really strange, they were holding hands, and dad stopped breathing but I couldn't figure out what was going on because the heart monitor was still going," said Dennis Yeager. "But we were like, he isn't breathing. How does he still have a heart beat? The nurse checked and said that's because they were holding hands and it's going through them. Her heart was beating through him and picking it up."

Pardon me. I have something in my eye.

Monday, October 17, 2011

What Is The Current Market Price For Children?

The Catholics say they've a heart
because they help families start.
The guilt goes away
if you will just pray
after tearing a family apart.

Catholics in Spain are accused of stealing nearly 300,000 babies from their mothers, and selling those babies to 'fit' parents. That is 15% of all adoptions in Spain over the 50 years. A network of nurses, doctors and priests would tell women that their child had died, but they could not see the body or attend the funeral.

Why did they have to stop? The Spanish government started regulating adoptions.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

In Which I Reveal My True Love

The thought of it sets me to shakin'.
When near me it sets my loins quakin'.
I jump up and down
when I hear the sound
of my one truest love, bacon.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Dick Perry Is At It Again

Climate Change, again on trial
because Dick is still in denial.
Scientists pull their names
because they have brains.
And Dick's is a steaming pile.

Every scientist associated with an environmental report have asked that their names be taken off that report after every reference to climate change and sea level rise were scrubbed by appointees of Dick Perry. They have gone from sticking their fingers in their ears going "la la la la" to actively lying to people about the science.

Great job, Dick.

The Long, Long, Long, Long Goodbye

When you know that all you see
will be nothing, eventually
It'll make you mad.
You'll think you've been had.
Please die in a fire, entropy.

Entropy has always seemed to me to be the most...insufficient end to such a wonderful, glorious universe.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Surfin' Safari

Want to catch waves as a lark,
and surfboards don't provide a spark?
Then take a new tack,
be like Doug Niblack
and surf on the back of a shark.

Doug Niblack, a surfer in Oregon, was doing what surfers do. He ran into something, and was knocked off his surfboard. Then he found himself standing on the back of a shark. He then surfed that shark like a boss.

Watch The Guild. Do It. Now.

At last now my week has been filled.
The season's last show of The Guild!
'Tis true, it's the end.
But fret not my friends:
they won't leave us long unfulfilled.

Congratulations to Felicia Day, Sandeep Parikh, Jeffy Lew, Vincent Caso, Amy Okuda, and Robin Thorsen on completing another amazing season of The Guild. It was a joy to watch, and the cameos were icing on a delicious, funny cake.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Recipe For Matrimonial Bliss

Can't find a bride? What's to be done?
Tried dating and failed and you're stunned?
Don't worry, don't fret!
There's hope for you yet.
If you need a wife, just take one!

Cuttlefish (grrr) shared a link about a worldwide problem. Men are kidnapping girls, some as young as 14, in order to force them to marry. In some cultures this is a religious issue, in some it is just how things are done.

I got my wife the old fashioned way.

Millard. Is That Even A Real Name?

Leading the pack is dear Mitt,
a duplicitous little shit.
He'll make a comment
Say" That's not what I meant"
then smile like a self-absorbed git.

I'm not a fan of Mitt Romney, either. He's a two-faced liar, who will always say whatever he think the current crowd wants to hear. The fun thing to watch this election cycle is how he simultaneously panders to the religious right, while talking down his Mormonism. Selling the idea that religion doesn't matter to Christian fundamentalists is an exercise in cognitive dissonance that should be hilarious.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Why I Am An Atheist

The beauty of life that we see
from an ant to the tallest tree
is explained by science.
There's no reliance
on anything, supernaturally.

I am an atheist because
I looked at religion and saw
that every belief
offers no relief
and each one is fatally flawed.

If we can let religions go
only then can we all know:
We're here together
in this grand adventure
and only as one can we grow.

There is a grandeur to this view
Darwin once said. It's still true.
Beautiful endless forms
have become transformed.
Open your mind, you'll see it too.

PZ Myers has put out a call for submissions of short essays on "Why I Am An Atheist". I prefer my essays in limerick form.

Even The Monkeys Are Ashamed

I still hope that we, as a group
won't define ourselves by our troop.
I know we're monkeys
but I still thought we
had evolved past flinging our poop.

Rebecca Watson shares a tale from the BBC in which ultra-orthodox Jews flung feces, among other less disgusting items, at girls just trying to get to school. Religion causes de-evolution?

And yes, I know that we are not technically monkeys.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Sloppy Joe

The right has just gotten dumber
now that they have Joe the Plumber.
His candidacy
is irrelevancy.
With thoughts he is not encumbered.

"Joe" the Plumber, flavor of the week from the 2008 presidential race, has announced that he will run for Congress. This is great news for Marcy Kaptur, the House's longest serving female member.

Scruffy, Prescient And Wise

In prison you take what you get.
Though sometimes you make a bad bet.
But what can you do?
Things go bad when you
make sangria in your terlet.

Twelve prisoners got botulism after drinking hooch made from contraband food.

Of course, it's shank or be shanked.

My Rowdy Friend

If Hank Williams Junior had sense,
he would work at mending this fence.
But sense he has spurned
and now he has learned
that an action has a consequence.

Oh, Hank. You so silly.

Pictured: jazz hands and fail

Herman Cain, Foreign Policy Guru

Some people think he's a saint,
but I think his ideas are quaint.
There's a thing or two
that Herman can do
And lots of things that Herman Cain't.

Herman Cain, Republican presidential hopeful, has stated that he doesn't care at all who is in charge of one of the countries that we might have to rely on in our war with Afghanistan. Knowing our international partners might not create a job, Mr. Cain, but it might go a long way in keeping our soldiers alive.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

God Hates Tebow, Too

I guess that it just goes to show
it doesn't matter who you know.
He'll have to pray more
to rack up the score.
It's clear that god hates Tim Tebow

As both of my readers know, I am not a fan of Tim Tebow. Well, he had his first NFL start today. God did not see fit to grant him a win.

Tortured Rhyme

It don't matter who broke what law.
This has to be the last straw!
This never bodes well,
A fate worse than hell:
Forced to listen to Rush Limbaugh.

Bridgett Nickerson Boyd was driving along a Texas highway, when her car broke down. Doing the responsible thing, she drove her car to the shoulder, safely out of traffic. Sheriff's Deputy Mark Goad pulled behind her. He then ticketed her for driving in the shoulder. Her "suddenly racing heart" prompted a visit from the paramedics. Deputy Goad then arrested Ms. Boyd after she was examined and released from the hospital. As he was rushing to get her to jail, he cranked up the volume on ol' Rush. A fate worse than death, indeed.

Oh, yeah. As soon as Ms. Boyd was taken in front of a magistrate, all charges were dropped.

When Amish Go Wild

I never thought in my lifetime
I'd have to make this kind of rhyme.
But this is just weird:
They're cutting off beards.
It's Amish-on-Amish crime

Stuebenville, Ohio is Amish country. But some Amish are more Amish than other Amish, and in order to set the not-as-Amish straight, there has been a series of attacks recently. In assaults that can only be called gruesome, they cut off each others' beards. Is nothing sacred? At long last, have we finally lost the last remnants of our humanity?

Friday, October 7, 2011

One Hundredth Limerick

Thank you for all of your clicks
and for putting up with my shtick.
A century done
with lots more to come
I'm at one hundred limericks!

Thank you for taking the time
to visit this li'l blog of mine.
Both of my readers
made me the leader
of skeptical lim'ricks online.

I truly am grateful for each of you that reads my limericks.

Let's Go Jackets!

Now that hockey is back, it's
time that we all raise a racket.
Support your home team.
Let's stand up and scream
and everyone shout: LET'S GO JACKETS!

The Yankees have been eliminated, the Buckeyes are pedestrian, and the Vikings are god-awful.

But now it's hockey season!

It's a sports fan's prerogative to greet the start of every season with hope. This year, however, that hope is warranted. GM Scott Howson made some great moves this past summer, and I think that our hope will be well placed.

Occupy The Nation

Though I can't be there in a tent
We won't let them own our government.
We'll take it no more.
A voice becomes a roar.
We are all the ninety-nine percent.

Occupy Wall Street is still going strong, and with good reason. People have finally stood up and are saying that this country belongs to all of us, not just the richest 1% that can afford to buy and sell politicians.

Freedom isn't free, but it shouldn't be held only for the highest bidder.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Palin Did What Palin Does

The Republican field is done.
The real idiocy has begun.
You can't say she quit
since she wasn't in it.
Sarah has said she won't run

I wish this would end her sideshow
Will she disappear? I hope so.
What does she wait for?
Let's hope that the door
don't hit her in the ass as she goes.

In what could be considered a surprise announcement only to the most die-hard Palinistas, Sarah Palin has said she will not run for president. For anyone with more than two brain cells, however, this is not a shock at all. We all knew that she's in this for the money, and the accountability she would have had to face as a real candidate was too much for her.

RIP, Fred Shuttlesworth

We also mourn Fred Shuttlesworth.
Some think he was afflicted at birth
But he proved that skin
don't show what's within.
He was clearly too good for this earth.

“A person who can’t stand for something will fall for anything.”
Fred Shuttlesworth

The Rev Fred Shuttlesworth died last night, aged 89. He was one of the "Big Three" leaders of the Civil Rights Era. Although I am certain that we would have disagreed about religion, I stand with him that we are all equals, and none of us should be treated differently because of how he looks, or who he might love, or what sex she might be.

We have lost a true hero, and a patriot who truly lived the ideals on which this country was founded.

The "afflicted at birth" line is to point out the idiocy of racism. We are all humans. None of use are different than the next. Let's stop acting like we are.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

RIP, Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs has just passed us by.
On his visions we all could rely.
Now he is gone,
but he will move on
to that great iPad in the sky.

For a time, I drank deeply from the kool-aid that is the Cult of Mac. I realized that the 'cool' factor was not enough, for me, to make up for the price difference. Steve Jobs did, however, help usher all of us into the future. Apple Computers introduced the world to personal computing, and his vision is second to none.

The world has lost a legend.

Edited to add: FUCK CANCER

All He Wanted Was A Piano

Tim Minchin's not asking for much
but these morons are out of touch.
They shout "Tim, go home!
"Leave Dallas Alone!"
I think they use a crooked crutch.

So Paula and Norbert miss out.
They call their magic friend and pout.
They'll pray 'round the clock.
But will he still rock?
Beyond any shadow of doubt.

Tim Minchin, musician, comedian, all around great guy, is having a show in Dallas. He needed to rent a piano for that engagement, which is fairly common. After Paula and Norbert searched for his music on Youtube, they sent him an email calling him a demon, saying that they wouldn't rent a piano to him for $1 million. They then said "Please cancel the Entire Event in Dallas. Go back to Australia. We do not appreciate Tim Minchin in TX. Love in Christ, Norbert & Paula".

Christian love, indeed. I guess it's better than them proselytizing at the show.

Multiversal Meals

There once was a lass from Morocco
who fancied her neighbor named Paco.
She said to him, "Sweets,
you've still got to eat,
so take a big bite of my taco."

I wrote this for Jon Rosenberg because Scenes From  A Multiverse is doing a Taco Week. Which is a good thing, because tacos are awesome.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Equality Is For Math

Some people think that it's great
to say who you can and can't date.
But let's not forget
it's good to have debt
when government pays for the hate.

Boehner has tripled the budget for legal defense of the Defense of Marriage Act. He'll shut down the government because of debt-ceiling idiocy, saying we must cut expenditures, then he spends more money.

Thanks, BlagHag

A Fart In A Hurricane

Lim’ricks don’t fall from a tree
I’ve been at this for a year (or three).
There’s naught good to say
for toiling away
in anonymous obscurity.

I posted this limerick on Camels with Hammers, a philosophy site with Freethought Blogs, along with this post:

I once harbored delusions that skeptical limericks would make it possible for my voice to be heard, to meekly rise above the din of thousands of others whose opinions echoed mine. I still have a voice, and have (or, had) a unique way of expressing myself. Alas, life got in the way, and I stopped producing limericks for a time. Now Cuttlefish has been doing his Headline Muse, and I fear that I will be seen as a copycat, attempting to cash in on the work that he has done.

I will keep doing what I have been, however, and be grateful for those readers I have.

But what is a (not-so) humble limerickist to do?

I still harbor a delusion that in the "Phase III" of PZ Myers' plan for atheist world domination, that I will soon get an email from Ed Brayton, benevolent overlord of FtB, asking me to join the fold. I quickly push those notions aside because, as overwhelmingly grateful as I am for the 50 pagehits I get a day, I am just a fart in the hurricane that is Freethought Blogs.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Could God Create An Alien So Bizarre Even Kirk Wouldn't Have Sex With It?

Whenever your childhood ends
most people set a few trends.
They might find a job
grow up and move on
and give up invisible friends.

This may sound a little bit weird,
but I hope someday it is clear.
We'll find evidence
of intelligence
'cause there's fuck all of it here.

Religious "thinkers" have determined that, if we were to come across intelligent life ion the universe, they would believe in the same gods we have. Because nothing says "moving the goalposts" than cramming deities into what little gaps are left in our scientific knowledge.


Rhymes With "Diggerhead"

Dick Perry's problems get bigger.
Cain's campaign has pulled the trigger.
Can paint on a rock
help drop Perry's stock?
Depends how he is as a digger.

A hunting camp leased by Dick Perry's father, then by Dick himself, has a rock near the entrance. This rock was painted with the name of the camp, a name which is still used by locals.

The name of that hunting camp? "Niggerhead"

Perry has said that the camp's name is "an offensive name that has no place in the modern world." But, according to the Washington Post, the name, painted on a flat rock near the entrance to the camp, could still be made out.

Of course Dick Perry disputes the name for the camp, and says that the name was painted over in "1983 or 1984." This explains why it's now known locally as "Perryhead", right?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Render Unto God Whatever He Wants

Pastors think they have the right
to get into political fights.
I think the fact is,
if they paid taxes
then they'd have a voice in the fight.

Pastors have decided that tax-free income is not enough. They feel that they should be able to use that money, as well as the power it provides, to be able to espouse political dictates from the pulpit.

I'm okay with them using whatever waning influence at their disposal, as long as they pay taxes. You can't have it both ways, people. Either pay taxes and be a political institution, or stay tax-free and keep your invisible friend out of politics. Freedom of religion means that I am allowed to be free of your religion, as well.

Dropping Like A Stone

I don't think I can take much more.
The offense just can't seem to score.
My fingers stay crossed
but this one's 'bout lost.
The Vikings are now oh and four.


Well, there's always next year, right?

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Almighty God Asked, I Answered

Vicki Hartzler is a toad.
whose brain is in the commode.
She says "Don't feel bad
it's law in this land".
Then says she's not a homophobe.

Vicki Hartzler, a U.S. Congresswoman from Missouri, said that gays shouldn't feel bad that she put forth an amendment defining marriage as solely between a man and a woman. Vicki Hartzler is a bitch.

@almightygod asked a favor. I have no choice but to comply.

Denial Is Still A River In Egypt

How long can they still deny
the climate is going awry?
The world's transforming:
It's clear there is warming
but the liars still spread their lies.

Regardless of what the facts say, or how much evidence is presented, there are still some that say the climate is not changing. I call them liars.

JT Found A Place.

Congrats, JT, on your new home.
It's shiny, like new polished chrome.
You're more than a cog
in the Freethought Blogs
and now you will not have to roam.

JT Eberhard is a blogger and secular activist, who just got a new spot at Freethough Blogs.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Happy Blasphemy Rights Day!

Want to blaspheme? It's your right!
Because, in this world, God's a blight.
If you'd be inclined
to open your mind
the fires of freedom you'll ignite.

Today is International Blasphemy Rights Day. One thing that Americans take for granted, for the most part, is the freedom of speech.. People in other parts of the world are not as lucky. Some people take their religion seriously, and I understand that. But killing someone because they said or drew something that parodies or satirizes your religion is wrong.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

It's Your Money, Pay For It Now

Use B of A? You're outta luck.
It's your cash? They don't give a fuck.
They find it funny:
To get your money
you have to give them five bucks.

Bank of America has decided to charge people to access their own money. That's right. If you want to spend the money that you have earned, you have to pay BoA for that right. $5 every month. Fuck you, BoA.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Dick Retracts Controversial Statement. News At 11.

Dick Perry said he misspoke
or maybe he suffered a srtoke
He acts so monstrous
and calls others heartless.
His campaign is such a joke.

Dick Perry, that slimy, pandering piece of scum has said that his remarks calling his opponents 'heartless' were inappropriate.

Who'd have thunk that he would try to retract a comment that turned off some of the Republican base?

On The Proximity Of An Elected Official

To find the source of their fear
and why their heads aren't so clear
Just look in their eyes.
you'll find no surprise:
It's because the president's near.

Yup. Blazing Saddles jokes. I have no shame.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tuesday Never! Thursday Forever!

Hang him from the highest tree!
Poke out his eyes! Kick his knees!
It takes balls to say
you worship Tuesday
when Thursday's the truest belief!

My nemesis, Cuttlefish, has declared himself to be a Tuesdayist. This calls for a crusade! I implore all two of my loyal readers to stand with me against the darkness. He may have numbers, but with right on our side, we will be heralded with glorious limericks that shall last through the ages!

Monday, September 26, 2011

How Can You Make Ends Meet When You Can't See Them?

You feel like you have little power
as you look up at their gilded tower.
You let slip a sigh
and try to get by:
Surviving on nine bucks an hour.

You try hard to make both ends meet.
You can't? Then you're out on the street.
So force on a grin
and go out again
and don't let the world know you're beat.

Minimum wage has been getting a lot of press recently, because of Dick Perry's claims that he created sooo many jobs in Texas, without regard to the pay. We've had to make some of these same choices, even recently, and it really sucks to have to choose between a week's meals or a doctor's appointment. Both parents working doesn't get much better, because the cost of childcare quickly eats up any additional income.

Life is difficult, and we don't need politicians making it harder for those of us with little means.

Now you can play a little game, and see what it's like.

Hat tip

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Suffering For Suffrage

They're getting some freedom in stages.
Now voting. Next driving and wages?
But Muslim women
are worth half of men.
Their faith keeps them in the Dark Ages.

In an interesting development, the King of Saudi Arabia has decreed that women will have the right to vote in municipal elections. They would also have the right to serve on the Shura Council, which provides consultation to the leadership.

This is a big step that I hope will lead towards gender equality. I doubt it though, because Islam is notoriously misogynistic, and all religions are used to control others.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Who's Side is God Really On?

They hold their skills in low esteem.
To me, that is how it seems.
If you kneel and pray,
things don't go your way,
does that mean God don't like your team?

Constantly confusing to me is the act of praying before, during and after a sporting event. Both sides pray to, ostensibly, the same deity. How does God decide who is going to win? Does the team that prays harder get to win? What about the team that has more people praying for them?

A Reason To Get Out Of Bed In The Morning

I always yearn for you aw'fly
I'm glad I can get you law'fly
You make every day
great in its own way.
Thanks for being special, coffee


Friday, September 23, 2011

Reformation Through Evil

They say they want people to change.
The method they're using is strange.
If they took a look
at what's in that book
they'd see that they're really deranged

Yes, the bible is an evil book. It tells of a petty, vindictive, nasty, childish deity who would kill humanity as soon as look at it.

Now a judge in Alabama wants to use that book as a punishment, giving people who are charged with misdemeanors the choice between serving jail time and going to church every Sunday for a year. Mike Rowland, chief of police in Bay Minette, Alabama says it's all legal, because people will get a 'choice'.

We're Supposed To Be The Civilized Ones

This story can't be dismissed:
We're slipping into the abyss.
This proves that vengeance
determines the sentence
It's never been about justice.

If anyone tells you that the death penalty is not about revenge, they are lying to you. Lying through their teeth. I know that some people support the state-sanctioned murder of inmates. Hell, there was a time in my life that I would have agreed with them. But by denying them their last meals, on the grounds that "their victims didn't get to choose their last meals", removes any last bit of civility they might have claimed.

We're supposed to be better than this.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Madness. Utter Madness.

The crazy's at critical mass.
Does this prove we lost all our class?
We're now at the brink.
It'll drive you to drink,
Ted Haggard, with a different ass.

Ted Haggard, notorious meth-head and serial buggerrer, is going to appear on Wife Swap with coke-head Gary Busey.

Santorum. It's What's For Dinner.

He breaks the bounds of decorum.
He's failed in the public forum.
He's a spineless skink.
Must be hard to think
with a head full of santorum.

Santorum. Now Santorum (the presidential candidate) wants Google to change their search results.

Knives Grow On Trees, Right?

She's toying with obscurity
and still screeching like a banshee.
She had a good run,
her campaign's 'bout done
she's not the sharpest knife on the tree.

Poor Michelle Bachmann. Her inanity will come to an end soon, I believe. She's been a source of much humor, but her idiocy will cause even the most anti-intellectual voters in the GOP to shy away from her.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Why Does Dick Hate Chicks?

"Love Thy Neighbor" says the Christian
It's not a rule they keep hidden.
But the evidence
is his arrogance:
It's clear that Dick Perry hates women.

If he doesn't hate women, he holds them in the deepest disdain. Why else would he cut health care for women?

And please don't take "chicks" in the headline as an insult. I mean nothing ill by it.

They Were Asked, They Told "I Do"

A story that I think is swell.
A couple just heard wedding bells!
Don't need God above
to approve of their love.
The death of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

Just after midnight, a Navy Lt. married his love. It was the first time he was allowed to express himself as he truly was, a homosexual service-member. Countless lives and careers have been destroyed by that short-sighted law. Good riddance.

Next step: Get the Federal Government to recognize their marriage, so his husband can get the benefits of being married to an officer.

Monday, September 19, 2011

He Knows The Birds In The Fields?

They say a new specie was found
and the meaning of it is profound.
Darwin's theory still weighs
so strong to this day.
Evolution, you see, still abounds.

Scientists have discovered genetic evidence that a new species of sparrow has evolved recently. This really does put the lie to creationism, or the "Intelligent Design" idiocy. Of course, the next lie from that camp will be to say that god or whatever intelligence is in charge put it there, but having genetic evidence kinda nips that in the bud.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Dammit, Vikings!

It seems the defense has a thing
to not stop what offenses bring.
The defense? Run through.
They're now oh-and-two
Dammit! Stop losing, Vikings!

Before this NFL season started, I predicted the Minnesota Vikings would go 9-7, and sneak into the wild card. I was derided for this prediction, because everyone is certain that the NFC wild card will come from the NFC East. The East will beat the hell out of each other, allowing another team to steal the last playoff spot. I still think it will be the Vikes, but it'll be tougher.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

On The Occasion Of My Wife's Birth

Your eyes are like the finest art.
I hope that we never will part.
I just want to say:
Happiest Birthday!
I love you with all of my heart.

Science, Judged.

Can't see the future? You're liable.
This court's missed the point by a mile.
The law gets abused
and then we all lose
Whenever there's science on trial

Scientists in Italy are going on trial for manslaughter, because they didn't predict an earthquake in 2009. A lawyer for one of the scientists is worried that, because the trial will be held in the city most affected, there is a chance that his client might be convicted. Although scientists worldwide have signed statements that support the Italians, people seem to think that science is ruled by laws that don't actually exist.

Monday, September 12, 2011

What's Worse Than Being Poor? Jail.

More news that you should abhor:
Now they can lock up the poor?
Lost your job? Too bad.
So sorry, so sad.
Just casualties of the class war.

If you just can't find a way
to support, you'll really pay
Are these laws at all
Or is it more we versus they.

I wish that these judges could see
how they're causing misery.
But that's the mistake
you get when you take
the civil from civility.

Judges can order parents to serve time in jail for non-payment of child support. They can order jail time without regard to the parent's ability to pay. If a parent has been paying dutifully for years, loses a job, then cannot keep up payments, a judge can order that parent to serve a sentence. Without a trial, and even without legal representation.

This is an issue that hits home for me. My parents divorced when I was 8. As far as I know, my mother received little to no support from my father, even though he was ordered to pay. That made things more difficult for us growing up, but we survived. I don't know his situation and, frankly, I don't care. I do know that it would have made any payments impossible had he been jailed for it.

If these parents have recently become unemployed because of the shitty economy, how likely is it that they will find job searching easier after serving jail time? Even if they are the more qualified candidate, employers will hire someone who has not served in jail over them.

Child support is an extremely complex issue, and there are no simple answers. Putting a parent in jail for inability to pay should never be an answer, though.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

9/11 Was A Faith-Based Initiative

They say that we can't blame Islam
because most believers stay calm.
I believe that is true.
But think like I do:
that every religion is wrong!

Some talk of peace it might bring.
But if to old lies you must cling
then that's what you get
if you must inject
religion into everything.

10 years ago, religious zealots crashed airplanes into the towers at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Another plane crashed in Pennsylvania after passengers fought back. Nearly 3,000 people lost their lives that day.

Over 6,000 Americans have died in the intervening 10 years, fighting "terrorism" in Afghanistan and Iraq. More than 30,000* American service members have been injured. Over 100,000 civilians have been killed since the invasions began.

We must never forget what happened that morning. We also must never forget those that have died. We must not forget the soldiers, airmen, sailors and Marines that gave their lives while serving. We must also not forget the civilians that died, those who were not involved in what transpired. Those fathers, daughters, sons, mothers, who just happened to be in the wrong place, at a time when the United States was flexing its muscle. They deserved what happened to them as much as the workers in the towers, or the firefighters and policemen who tried to save them.

We also must never forget the price we all have paid since that day. We have had freedoms taken from us, and rights that have been stolen, and laws imposed upon us, all in the name of safety. After the morning of 9/11, America got scared. And that was the terrorists greatest victory.

*Officially. Unofficial counts reach over 100,000

Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Smallest Things Bring The Biggest Down

My head feels unusually thick.
Like brains are replaced by a brick.
My muscles all ache.
I'm barely awake.
Crap, how I hate being sick.

Kids brought a bug home from school. At least I have football.

Friday, September 9, 2011

See Dick. See Dick Get Bought Out.

What comprises Dick Perry's soul?
A darkness, worse than a black hole.
When requiring
the vaccinating
It seems that he was on Merck's dole.

Oh, Dick. We knew he was a lying, hateful, hypocriticalmurderous, AGW denying, creationist jackass, who would do anything for a vote. But now it appears that his campaign took money from the company that created the Gardasil vaccine. The same vaccine that, through an executive order, he required all girls 12 and older to receive. On top of that, his chief of staff left to become Merck's main lobbyist to the governor.

This isn't just fishy. This is cronyism, bribery, and completely antithetical to democracy.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Love Or Hate: Which Does Your Deity Prefer?

More on the culture debate:
It seems that I make them irate.
While their god above
goes on about love
Christianists focus on hate.

A poll that is not surprising
tells us who god is despising.
Just read your bible
you might be able
to see your beliefs demising.

Jon Rosenberg, of Scenes From A Multiverse fame, reminds us exactly who the most hated group in America is.

PDF of the study

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Perry Fiddled, Now Texas Burns

The only thing growing in drought?
Wildfires burning about.
Send prayers to the sky?
Texas stays bone dry.
With Jesus he has little clout.

Trying to water with prayer, he
might as well wish on a fairy.
But he never learns
as his home state burns:
Brought to you by Dick Prayer-ee.

In April, Dick Perry prayed that the drought in Texas would end. In May, Texas had plans to cut the state budget by $34 million, including the budget of the Texas Forest Service, the agency that is currently battling the wildfires plaguing the state. That budget went into effect September 1st, as fires raged out of control. Almost immediately after proposing that budget, Dick Perry begged the federal government for $52.5 million dollars to cover the cost of fighting the fires. I guess government expenditure is bad, except when it can help him.

They did, however, add a $40 million "rainy day fund", that they can use to pay one time costs. That will not help them in the future, though. Awesome planning from someone who thinks he should lead the whole country.

Great job, Dick.

Hubble Captures Birth Of A Star

Stuck in a midweek malaise?
You might be wasting your days.
Captured from afar:
The birth of a star!
Hubble can really amaze!

Source: NASA

What you are seeing here is a 13 year time lapse animation of outgassing caused by the formation of a star, as captured by Hubble. The scale in the bottom right denotes distance in astronomical units, the mean distance between the Sun and Earth. For a sense of scale, the orbit of Neptune is 30AU.

This is an image of a proto-star near the Orion Nebula. What we see is gas, moving at over 700,000 kph, running into slower moving materiel.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Possibilities, Possibilians

Existing with fragility,
and reasoning ability.
This life's all we got.
Yep, just this one shot.
God? No possibility.

I have adaptability,
and mental flexibility
On a bible I'd swear
there is no god there.
That's said without hostility.

We have mental fertility
and thinking capability.
Kick religion out
and say without doubt:
God? No possibility!

Possibilianism has to be one of the most stupid things this side of creationism. Can we ever be sure of anything?  No, of course not. Does that mean that it is possible that there might be a deity as described by any one of the hundreds, perhaps thousands of religions that have existed since humans began thinking about things bigger than the next meal? Absolutely not.

There is no god. No God, Allah, Odin, Jupiter, or any of the other numerous deities humans have created. I do not reject the FACT that there are things we do not yet know about our universe, but I reject every single supernatural creation devised to explain things we do not yet understand.

Salvation: In Tents!

Though kids should always be scamps
and their minds we should not clamp
she makes them unhinged
while real thinkers cringe
as brainwashing goes on at camp.

The Friendly Atheist points to a book by child-abuser* Becky Fischer, a fundie-gelical preacher best known from Jesus Camp.

* All allegations of child abuse have not been verified by an official organization.

Being In Labor

Though Jesus said "Love thy neighbor"
Tea Partyers rattle their sabers.
After Hoffa's crack
they're on the attack
Spreading their lies 'bout "Big Labor"

Fox News has produced a video in which Jimmy Hoffa, Jr says that we have to "take those sons of bitches out".  In the context of the video, it is clear that he is referring to the elections next year. The Tea Party leadership are calling Hoffa's remarks “dangerous and irresponsible”. Because they know exactly what dangerous and irresponsible speech sounds like.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Divine Paychecks

Another dumb thing I have seen
pushed by idiots like Joel Osteen
Is how God will reward
(after death, of course)
those who give financial seeds.

Here's the best part of their pitch
(the thing that makes my eyes twitch):
The good book says, sure
Christ helped the poor
now it's clear God loves the rich.

Prosperity Theology is relatively new, as a part of Christianity. It basically states that the rich get all of their money because of God, and God wants everyone to be rich. The "financial seed" idea is particularly insidious. Using verses such as 2 Corinthians 9:6 :

But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; 
and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully.

The con artists get people to send them money in hopes of future rewards. And if those rewards are not forthcoming in this life? Well, God will reward them after they die, of course!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

And I Thought She Was Just Stupid

She always seems good for a laugh.
Her wheat is much less than her chaff
Why'd she say what she said?
Not the air in her head!
It's not her fault Bachmann makes gaffes.

Michelle Bachmann blames her busy schedule for the verbal miscues she has been making. Not the fact, of course that she is not the brightest bulb on the tree.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Herpa Derpa Dicky Doo

Though he has just started his run
it's clear that all facts he will shun.
and his campaign herped
so hard that it derped.
Dick Perry will stick to his guns.

Dick Perry has said that he will stand by the inane and utterly anti-factual comments he has made recently.

A limerickist could make a career off this guy.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Markuze Charged On 16 Counts

Though it took longer than thought,
charges have finally been brought.
Now Dennis Markuze
has been accused.
"Mabus", at last, has been caught!

Inflicting us all with his screeds
since we adhered not to his creeds
Voices from the throng
helped push this along.
Let's hope he gets the help he needs.

Dennis Markuze, aka David Mabus, has been charged with uttering death threats and for criminally harassing seven victims. He was ordered to go through 30 days of psychiatric evaluations, and another hearing is scheduled for September 19th.

The Curative Power of Water Is No Match For My Taunting!

Homeopathy's back in the news
Of fraud, Boiron's been accused
I more than suspect
it has no effect
You don't like it? You can just sue.

Their flu "remedy" is a hoax
it "cures" you by mirrors and smoke
There's nothing that works.
So stop being jerks!
or another taunt you'll provoke.

Mass con-artist and water-manufacturer Boiron is suing an Italian blogger for libel after he said that its product oscillococcinum had "no active ingredient" . I have a response for Boiron:

Sue me.

I have no legal resources. I am easy prey for you to test out your mighty legal machine. Your products are shams of the worst sort, and you make your money by lying to people. You market false hope, and sucker in those people who don't know any better. They don't know any better BECAUSE YOU LIE TO THEM.

So sue me. Prove to the world the veracity of your claims by bringing them into open court. If your product does what is claimed, then you should have no fears about proving that it works as you say, and the mechanisms by which it works. Easy for you to do, no?

Pictured: Water and lies.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Science Works When You Let It

If you have a church alliance
and you want to teach science
and you start to act
like genetics is fact
You'll get released for noncompliance.

A tenured professor at Calvin College has vacated his position because he dared to say that science, in fact, exists. Apparently he published a paper saying that the genetic evidence would preclude humanity growing from only 2 people.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

My Most Egregious Limerick To Date

Somethings just need to be said:
Though it sucks to find anyone dead
When you make a career
on peddling fear
It pays to not be a coke-head.

Eventually we all have to go.
After life? It's all an unknown.
But here's what I'd do
if I got to choose:
I'd go covered with hookers and blow.

Gawker tells of a Mega-church pastor found dead in Times Square, with a suspicious white powder in an envelope. I will bet against any odds that it isn't anthrax.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Choices, Choices, And All Are Wrong.

Christians and Muslims and Jews,
Scientologists and Hindus,
Mormons and Jainists,
you're all the samest.
I'll mock you whichever you choose.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Thanks For Everything, Jenny!

Jenny McCarthy was heeded.
Now vaccinations, though needed
have been eschewed.
Will illness ensue?
Her folly, it seems, has succeeded.

In Miami-Dade county they've got
a quarter, almost, kids un-shot.
The kids aren't to blame,
They're part of this game.
But they'll reap what their parents have bought.

23% That's how many children in Miami-Dade county have not been vaccinated prior to school starting. That number is disgusting, and all anti-vax people should be ashamed of themselves.

On Martian Aquifers and Noachian Submersion

NASA says "Water's on Mars!"
to some that might sound bizarre.
Though no one asked how
a creationist found
a reason how it got so far.

Four-thousand (or so) years ago
God, unto Noah did bestow
a pair of each kind,
a seafaring mind
and escape from the status quo.

Hurlbut has a new theory
Though the math isn't real clear, he
says that the liquid
not maybe but DID
came from the Earth. Now I'm weary.

The water on Mars is because
the Earth once suffered a flood.
Wait! How can that be?
Oh. I think I see...
He's as dense as a big bag of spuds.

NASA has indeed discovered evidence that suggests briny water is flowing on Mars. This is really neat science, and we do not yet understand all of the mechanics of the Martian water cycle. But this...oh this is soooo not the answer.

Terry Hurlbut is described as "a student of politics, philosophy, and science for more than 35 years", as well as, apparently, an astrophysicist, geologist and a specialist in hydraulics and hydrodynamics. I claim to be none of those things. I am just a reasonably intelligent guy, with at least some grasp on how physics works in the real world. And they don't work that way, Terry.

And if you wish to discuss it here, I won't moderate to keep out any tough questions I can't answer.

Hat tip to FSTDT for the link

Bye, Tim

Pawlenty has just called it quits.
Taken his money and split.
All I can say
at the end of the day:
nobody could give two shits.

MSNBC reports on Tim Pawlenty dropping out as a candidate for the Republican nomination for president. It was expected, seeing as the time and money he poured into the flawed, idiotic straw polls in Iowa paid off in a third place finish.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

More Dick!

Though he's a mean, hateful cuss,
and right-minded people will fuss,
he didn't end the drought
but let there be no doubt.
Dick Perry! (before he dicks us)

Yep, this is a re-jiggering of my 2008 Dick Cheney limerick.

Vote For Dick!

Sure he's exclusionary.
And quite reactionary.
When ballots are out
make sure there's no doubt.
Give Dick Perry your vote...tionary

Yes, I know he prefers to go by Rick. No, I do not give a flying fuck. Anyone born with the name Richard knows that being called Dick comes with the name. Most of my childhood was spent fighting people who called me anything other than Richard. Except, of course, that period in the mid '80s when I wanted to be called Ricky, and dreamt that Toni Basil was singing to me. But that is another, much more disturbing story.

The point here is that Dick Perry is an exclusionary asshole, a Dominionist fuckwad, and all-around bad person.

Friday, August 12, 2011


He just made his candidacy clear.
The others try to hide their fear.
The fundies are wowed.
If you look o'er the clouds
you can see Perry's numbers from here.

I'm not a fan of Rick Perry. Not even a little bit. I saw this picture on MSNBC and the limerick almost wrote itself. There will be Perry limericks aplenty once he oficially makes the announcement that he is going to announce his candidacy.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

No Limerick Today.

Sometimes I don't know what to say.
Sometimes the world gets in the way.
I'll just spill the beans
and say what this means:
There'll be no new limerick today!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Storm's coming in, you're outside?
Head into the house - run and hide!
That's what poor Fred did,
he ran and he hid
but found himself electrified

Poor Fred Waters. Standing in his home, enjoying a passing summer storm, then lightning hits him. Is no place safe from the evils of nature?


Not quite a walk through the clover
Thirty-two kilometers passed over.
The tough little tater
found Endeavor Crater.
We're all proud of that little rover.

With daring ingenuity
and engineering acuity
NASA's given us
a sturdy l'il cuss-
the Amazing Opportunity!

After three years on Mars, NASA reports that the rover Opportunity has reached Spirit Point, named after its sister rover. Spirit's mission was officially declared over in May, 2010, yet Opportunity chugs on.


Obama and two NFL stars
will share a nice meal for Iftar.
This breaking of bread
explodes fundie heads
The responses are sad and bizarre

President Obama is hosting the annual Iftar dinner, featuring NFL stars, and brothers Hamza and Husain (Go Vikings!) Abdullah. The rhetoric from the loonie fringe has been predictable. Because, they say, Obama is hosting a dinner for a Muslim event, he must be a Muslim himself!

Since the tradition was instituted under former President Bush, that means, following their logic, that Bush was a Muslim also! That explains why he never got Bin Laden! But wait, Obama got Bin Laden, and he is a super-sekrit muslim usurper.

I confused myself.


Bachmann says she is God's fling,
'til Perry throws his hat in the ring
Which one is a fraud,
which one talks to God?
Which one's gonna lead the crazed-wing?

Sometimes rhymes can get lazy
when right-wing idiots make me hazy.
But if I had said
there's a voice in MY head
you'd all just say I'm fucking crazy.

Bachmann, by her own admission
to her husband has pledged submission.
If he would just ask
it would be her task
to get in her favorite position.

Rick Perry, I think, is just messin'
with our heads. He thinks he's a blessin'.
I think that y'all
should give him a call
and say we don't need a new Texan.

Michelle Bachmann has said that she allows her husband to make her decisions for her, just like any godly woman should. These, fairly major, decisions include her attending law school, when she admitted that she had no interest in law.

Rick Perry, the other insane fundamentalist, wrapped up an exclusionary and hypocritical prayer rally last weekend.. He has said that he will announce a time to schedule a press conference to announce a date that he will make an announcement.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


When you're belly up like a cod
In a hole, 6 by 3 'neath the sod
when your last synapse
has finally collapsed
it won't matter if you worshiped a god.

The basics of this limerick came to me in that hazy fog of half-sleep. I'm not sure my brain and I get along anymore.

Monday, August 8, 2011


My newest best friend's Jenny Beth.
Tea Party Patriots head douchette
But it's patriotic
and not idiotic
To owe the IRS a huge debt.

So, Jenny Beth Martin is the head of the Tea Party Patriots, one of the groups responsible for nearly shutting down the government because of the debt ceiling debacle. Apparently, she owes the IRS nearly $700,000 in back taxes for a failed business. As the business was failing, she and her husband increased revenue to save it. No, sorry, they increased their debt by way of credit cards. I guess increasing a debt limit is always bad, except for when it isn't.

Oh yeah, she also makes $6,000 per month for being the head of the TPP. $72,000 each year for preaching at people that the government has to be fiscally responsible, yet she claims she can't afford to buy a car. So she uses a $27/day rental. $810 is a lot of money for not being able to afford a car payment.

My advice to Jenny Beth? Stop being hypocritical, stop telling your followers to hold the country hostage, stop telling people that compromise is a dirty word, and stop putting your politics over the good of the entire country.

Sunday, August 7, 2011


Each month, the first Sunday's exciting.
An event that is oh so delighting.
I spend time with my chicks
who show me new tricks,
and have always been very inviting.

The first Sunday of every month has become a special time for me. Because of medical issues, I don't have many opportunities to do much socializing. When I leave the house, it is for an appointment or to go to the store. But the first Sunday, I get to knit. It might not sound like much, but I really enjoy the Central Ohioans for Rational Inquiry Skeptical Crochet and Knitting Circle.

Thanks, ladies, for making this guy feel welcome.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


Goo washes in off the sea.
No one knows what it could be.
It's oily and orange
like a rusty door hinge.
Or just like American Cheese.


CNN reports on a strange substance that washed up on the shores of a village in Alaska.

Thanks for the link, Cuttlefish.

UPDATE:  Scientific American reports that the orange goo is crustacean egg mass. Scrambled.

Friday, August 5, 2011

My new pal

I met a new friend, name of Sandy.
She hates it when people get randy.
The problem is she's
getting down on her knees.
Which her invisible friend thinks is dandy.

Think Progress spins a tale of idiocy, where a female pundit compares necessary medical coverage to manicures and pedicures. I wonder what happened to her, that she hates the rest of her gender. That's the only reason I could think of for that level of stupid. I guess it could also be money.

Hat tip to Ed Brayton

Thursday, August 4, 2011

On Aviating Suidae

"Evolution? Bah, when pigs fly!"
AiG says, with fire in eye.
"You can't add info
to ANY gene's code!
Man from monkeys? Biology's lie!"

Of course certain processes do
change a gene's codes through and through.
But that takes an act
of reason and facts.
Not Jesus, or Odin, or Q.

PZ posted about how AiG has disproven evolution, or whatever it is that AiG claimed they did.


Some people might find it odd
that there just aren't many new jobs.
But it makes perfect sense,
in dollars and cents,
as businesses love their true god.

This one might seem a bit derivative of "Perfect Sense", by Roger Waters, but he was referring specifically to churches bilking the believers. Besides, it is a universal theme.

MSNBC, again. Basically, companies have no incentive to hire more people, so we suffer as corporations rake in record setting profits. GM has doubled profits, and new hires aren't coming. But rolling back the Bush tax cuts will cause jobs to be destroyed.

Money? Get back.

The rich are just better than we.
A glimpse at the news and you'll see.
The courts are okay
with this pay-to-play.
I guess it pays to be wealthy.

MSNBC reports on a corporation forming, donating $1M to Romney's campaign, then dissolving, thereby hiding all traces of where the money came from. This is what happens when political donations are ruled to be free speech, and then that free speech coverage is extended to corporations.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

New Moon

To explain the moon's odd far side
a new hypothesis has been derived.
It's new 'neath the sun:
Two moons became one.
Wreaking havoc with early Earth's tides.

LA Times has the story of the new hypothesis. I was under the impression that calculations proved that the Moon was spun of the Earth after a collision of a Mars-sized planetoid. That explained the larger iron core of the Earth and the increased regolith and smaller core of the Moon.


Westboro's got a new thing.
To Norway they now want to bring:
Their backwards ideas,
their hate and their fears.
Can we bring back the old school Vikings?

From this news post. Google translate, because I don't read Norwegian.

Ode to Cuttlefish

Where have I seen this before?
Skeptical limericks? For sure!
'Tis a mighty fine thought,
and I'm glad that it caught.
But now, you know THIS MEANS WAR!

I was a little upset once Cuttlefish started posting his daily limericks, but quickly realized that was childish. I'll just do them better :-)

Friday, July 8, 2011

On Circles and Space.

30 years ago, living in Hawaii,  my father woke me up at an hour I did not realize existed at that tender age. A momentous thing was about to happen, a thing which has stuck with me these long, long years. In the morning sun, half a world away, the Space Shuttle Columbia hung on the launch pad. Today, on a gloomy Ohio morning, I sit with my own children to watch the final launch of the Space Shuttle program.

Circle of life and all that, I suppose.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

An Open Letter to the Atheist Community.

To Michigan Atheists, PZ Myers, Greta Christina, Hemant Mehta, Jen McReight, JT Eberhard, Adam Lee, The Chaplain, Digital Cuttlefish, Matt Dillahunty, C.L. Hanson, Sikivu Hutchinson, Phil Ferguson, Jeff Duncan, Unknown (to me) Benefactor, and to all who have donated to Camp Quest:


Thank you for, your generosity, the giving freely of yourselves for those you do not know, perhaps will never know.

My wife, Miranda and I have been discussing sending our oldest child to Camp Quest for the past 2 years, since she was 8. Each year financial difficulties have prevented us from doing so. I had the paperwork for a campership for Camp Quest Ohio nearly completed, but we found it difficult to scrape together even the $100 deposit required. Prices increase, and wages stay the same. I don't share this for pity, but to inform of where we are right now.

A link was shared with me about 3 weeks ago. This link was a contest, for a campership to Camp Quest Michigan. The topic was "What can I do to improve the image of freethinkers/atheists in the world?". I passed this on to Charlotte, and here is what she wrote:

Friday, May 27, 2011

Were you Raptured as well?

The Rapture I guess passed us by
It's not hard to figure out why:
The christianist dopes
are selling false hope
and offering pie in the sky.

Posted here on Pharyngula