Friday, January 25, 2013

Not So Fresh

This is the story 'bout how
'Zona got flipped upside down.
They started a fight
to erase the rights
of students by forcing a vow.

Republicans in Arizona have submitted a bill that would make the following vow necessary for completion of High School in the state.


There's no chance, of course, that this would pass any sort of constitutional muster. that doesn't matter to these people. They are more than willing to either make people lie or withhold their diplomas in order to force their theocratic idiocy onto the population.

I took an oath similar to this when I joined the military. I can understand that type of oath or affirmation when you are signing up to possibly kill or be killed for your country. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why they want to force children to swear this.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Pay To Play

I think that it's quaint to see
people whose eyes are opening
They asked the questions
and then learned a lesson:
Religion has never been free.

A California couple has filed a lawsuit against the Church of Scientology, claiming that the purpose of Scientology is to make money. And also that the Church has perverted the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard, twisting them into a money making scheme.

What they don't understand is that Scientology has always been about making money. It was founded because Hubbard was sick of getting paid a penny a word for his sub-par sci-fi and wanted to turn a better profit. So he turned his crap science-fiction into an even crappier cult, in order to fleece the gullible.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Murder Trainers

Murder by kids is a shame
and we all look for something to blame
Let's not get them help.
We'll just scream and yelp
and then put the fault on the games.

Sick people do sick things. Throughout history, mentally disturbed individuals have inflicted their sickness on innocents, leading to many horrific stories. Shifting the blame is stupid. In the 80's, Dungeons & Dragons was seen as the precipice off of which a child would jump to become a truly evil monster. Today it's Modern Warfare and Grand Theft Auto. The same story is being told, with only a slightly different villain.

Should a 12 year old be playing those types of games? I don't think so, and that's why I don't let my 12 year old play those games. But blaming the games for people acting out on their sickness is just stupid.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Hockey's Back!

The sun is a little more bright
as hope pushes against the night.
Hockey is back and
it's time for the Jackets.
Now let's start the season off right.

At last, our long national nightmare is over.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Sunday School

In the beginning, it's said
God dragged his ass out of bed
made the dark and light,
split the day and night
a week later rested his head.

He made all the beasts, fish, and birds
I guess by just saying the word.
He made trees and plants
and beetles and ants,
although some might call it absurd.

Now, if this book can be believed,
and we are not being deceived
so he wasn't alone
God made Adam a clone.
Before there was Dolly, there was Eve.

Although he is such a good guy
God just came straight out and lied.
He said ,"Do not eat
the fruit of the tree.
For if you do you'll surely die."

Then Eve came and ate of the fruit.
Adam, soon after, followed suit.
And here's where God lied:
Neither of them died!
Though from Eden they both got the boot.

In the beginning was Genesis. God looked upon it and said "What the fuck am I reading?" Chapter 1 is your basic creation myth, with God creating everything in no particular order that would make any sense. Verses 11 and 12 document the creation of trees, grasses, and herbs on the third day. Daylight, which is kind of important to the photosynthesis of said plants, is not created until the fourth day. The first of what I am sure will be many ineffable mysteries of God. Verse 27 is the sixth day, when humanity is created, male and female, in God's image. In verses 28 - 30, man is given dominion over every living and growing thing on the planet. And it was good.

Chapter 2 is also a creation story, albeit a bit different than the first. God created Adam first this time, and then created the Garden of Eden, as well as all the beasts in order for Adam to find a "help-meet". None of the beasts were quite good enough for him, so God cloned Adam from a rib, hence Eve. And they were both naked, and it was good. Verse 17 is God's first lie.

But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

In chapter 3 we are introduced to the Serpent, the first honest creature. He mentions to Eve that she won't die, but with the knowledge then humans would become as gods themselves. Thinking this was better than the promised death, she ate the fruit. Seeing this, God gets all mad and and junk, and promptly kicks the two out of the Garden, never to return.

I have a few questions, however.  

Where is the Garden of Eden? We're living in the future. We have detailed high-resolution photographs of the entire planet and not once has anyone seen a cherubim with a flaming sword saying "Keep Out".

Which version of creation is the correct one? Chapter 1 describes plants and beast created before humanity, where chapter 2 clearly describes them being created after Adam.

Why would God lie to them? He states plainly that on the day they ate of the tree then they would surely die. They did not surely die that day. Now I'm supposed to believe everything else this God person says?

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Why I Do What I Do

Each of us has a loud voice
that we will use, given the choice.
My chosen schtick?
I write limericks
because it makes all the chicks moist.

Friday, January 18, 2013

O, Whacking Day!

If you think you have what it takes
to help them reclaim all the lakes
Come visit the 'Glades
and offer your aid
and help us to whack all the snakes!

What a snake killing politician might look like.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

A Cautionary Tale

In case there was something I missed
if you are involved in a tryst
and you're thinking of
falling deep in love
make sure that she really exists.

One of the main stories making headlines the past few days is that of Manti Te'o, and his non-existent dead girlfriend. According to the stories, Te'o met a girl named Lennay Kekua in Palo Alto, after Notre Dame played Stanford in 2009. They spoke many times over the phone, meeting sometimes (or not, depending on which accounts you read) when Manti would return to Hawaii. After a while, their relationship blossomed to the point where Brian Te'o, Manti's father, even "came to the realization that she could be our daughter-in-law." Unfortunately, Lennay apparently died in September, 2012, either before of after Manti's grandmother passed away. After the passing of his girlfriend, Manti took the story on the awards circuit, using it to cast himself as a player fighting against overwhelming odds to become a champion.

Recently, stories have come to light that Lennay Kekua never actually existed. She was a construct, created by who knows for who knows whatever reasons. Although Te'o admits to having met her multiple times, as well as having phone conversations where he would fall asleep on the phone while she was in the hospital for leukemia, he was apparently unaware of the fact of her non-existence. Notre Dame has come to the defense of their star, saying that an investigation revealed that Manti had been the victim of an elaborate hoax. Te'o has also offered this as the truth.

With so many conflicting accounts coming from bot Te'o and his school, I have come to three possibilities, listed in order from least to most probable:

3: Te'o was, in fact, the victim of an elaborate, multi-year hoax, the aim of which is unknown. The fact that Te'o and friends claimed to have met at least once, and possibly on multiple occasions, is why this is the least probable.

2: Te'o was in on the hoax in order to raise his publicity. There are few better sports story than those about a compelling hero who has overcome the tragic losses of his grandmother and his girlfriend, within 24 hours of each other, and comes back stronger than ever, ready to lead his team the the national championship game.

1: Te'o was involved in the hoax as a means to cover up his homosexuality. Imagine this: A Mormon football star playing at a Catholic university. Although society as a whole has grown more accepting of homosexuality, neither of those groups will accept a gay among them. My hypothesis is that Manti and his friend, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, are involved romantically and the long distance girlfriend story was a clever ruse in order to attempt to cover for him being gay.

Does any of this truly matter? Of course not. There are worse stories concerning the Notre Dame football program, which involve the suicide of a girl who was raped by a football team member, and the withdrawal of a rape accusation by another girl after she was intimidated by texts from another player.

Why can't I just be a sports fan without this stupidity getting in the way?

Judge Me Not

No matter what's stuck in your craw
or what you think is the last straw
you still took a vow.
So just drop it now.
You still have to follow the law!

As a student of people, I am constantly surprised at how much I can still learn from them. Take these sheriffs, for example.

After having won elections to serve as the highest lawmen for their respective, a few enterprising sheriffs have decided to take it upon themselves to interpret the law, instead of just upholding it. They want us to believe they they are the sole arbiters of what is and is not allowed by the Constitution. Well, at least what their twisted idea of what is in the Constitution, not what the Constitution actually says.

A growing number of law enforcement officers are stating that they will refuse to uphold laws that they deem violate the 2nd Amendment. None of the laws currently on the books or proposed actually do that, but that won't matter in the slightest to these people. The three branch system that comprises our government isn't perfect, but it has served us well as an effective balance of power. The idea that a heavily armed group of people might take it upon themselves to act as all three branches is, to me, more than a little frightening.

Unless, of course, it's all bullshit hyperbole solely for the effect of riling up the masses to garner more votes. Politicians wouldn't do that, would they?

The new uniform for the Sheriff's Office

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


If you keep your pearls clutched
and hyperbole is your crutch
you might be surprised
if we call out your lies.
It just shows that you're out of touch.

It's amazing what passes for the middle class. According to the Wall Street Journal, a middle class single mother makes $260,000. A year. Middle class for a married couple with 4 children? $650,000. That's not combined lifetime earnings for a married couple, that's yearly earnings for a middle class family, based on apparently exhaustive research conducted by the WSJ.

They all look so very, very sad.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Thomas Comes To Breakfast

The world might be at an end,
it might be time to make amends.
Kiss loved ones goodbye,
the world's gone awry
when life copies Thomas and Friends.

A train crashed in Sweden.

The reaction of the surprised family.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Political Science

Let's say that you wanted to be
on the right's "science" committee.
The first rule of thumb:
learn how to act dumb
and keep your opinions fact-free.

The Republicans in the House of Representatives have released the list of members who are on the House Science Committee, and the results would be amusing if it weren't so damned scary. Among those announced are two Representatives who have been covered here before, Phil Gingrey and Paul Broun.

These are the people who will be shaping science legislation for the next two years.


Sunday, January 13, 2013

God's Will

It don't matter that hotter's the norm,
or we're seeing more powerful storms
when snow starts to fall
it's a message to all:
God says the Earth won't get more warm.

It snowed last week. DURING THE WINTER! I know, I was shocked as well. This snow, however, was a rare snowfall that covered the "holy" lands in the Middle East. Of course this means that God is showing us that Al Gore was wrong and Climate Change is a bunch of bullshit.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

History Lessons

You'd think that some people would see
if they've read just a little hist'ry
it's not much to ask
they learn form the past
and stay away from all things Nazi.

Michael Savage is your typical right-wing radio host. He makes his money off of the frothing masses in the Tea Party, riling them to nearly boiling point. He took a dive into the deepest recesses of moronitude recently, when he suggested we should have an American equivalent of National Socialism.

"You have the rudiments of a new party in this country called a tea party. They need to restructure their party. They need a charismatic leader, which they don’t have."

"There are people so frustrated by the democracy that is gone in this country, the structure that has replaced our democracy is what I meant to say, that they would clamor for the new nationalist party."

“Nationalism is the only thing that can save America, and a new nationalist party that has a very strict firewall that does not permit the radical fringe of racism.”

 “Going forward we have to, I think on radio, continue to educate the audiences about nationalism and the importance of our nation and our nation’s sovereignty – borders, language, culture. Borders, language, culture – it defines every nation on the planet, the flag, the language, the borders. And what is it the internationalists do? They want to dissolve the borders, they want to introduce multiculturalism, they want to introduce a Tower of Babel of languages.”

I really do wish I was making this up. That way I wouldn't have to worry about this idiot and his followers.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Another Legitimate Limerick

Even though they've lost the fight
no one e'er said that they're bright.
But still these dumb clowns
are hanging around
and keep saying idiocy's right.

Months after Todd Akin lost his bid for a Senate bid in Missouri after making his "legitimate rape" comment, the stupidity has returned to center stage. Now Phil Gingrey, a Republican from Georgia, has double down on the moronic statements, coming out stating that Akin's statements were "partly right".

"I don’t find anything so horrible about that. But then he went on and said that in a situation of rape, of a legitimate rape, a woman’s body has a way of shutting down so the pregnancy would not occur. He’s partly right on that."

Which part, I wonder, was he right on?