Sunday, January 20, 2013

Sunday School

In the beginning, it's said
God dragged his ass out of bed
made the dark and light,
split the day and night
a week later rested his head.

He made all the beasts, fish, and birds
I guess by just saying the word.
He made trees and plants
and beetles and ants,
although some might call it absurd.

Now, if this book can be believed,
and we are not being deceived
so he wasn't alone
God made Adam a clone.
Before there was Dolly, there was Eve.

Although he is such a good guy
God just came straight out and lied.
He said ,"Do not eat
the fruit of the tree.
For if you do you'll surely die."

Then Eve came and ate of the fruit.
Adam, soon after, followed suit.
And here's where God lied:
Neither of them died!
Though from Eden they both got the boot.

In the beginning was Genesis. God looked upon it and said "What the fuck am I reading?" Chapter 1 is your basic creation myth, with God creating everything in no particular order that would make any sense. Verses 11 and 12 document the creation of trees, grasses, and herbs on the third day. Daylight, which is kind of important to the photosynthesis of said plants, is not created until the fourth day. The first of what I am sure will be many ineffable mysteries of God. Verse 27 is the sixth day, when humanity is created, male and female, in God's image. In verses 28 - 30, man is given dominion over every living and growing thing on the planet. And it was good.

Chapter 2 is also a creation story, albeit a bit different than the first. God created Adam first this time, and then created the Garden of Eden, as well as all the beasts in order for Adam to find a "help-meet". None of the beasts were quite good enough for him, so God cloned Adam from a rib, hence Eve. And they were both naked, and it was good. Verse 17 is God's first lie.

But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

In chapter 3 we are introduced to the Serpent, the first honest creature. He mentions to Eve that she won't die, but with the knowledge then humans would become as gods themselves. Thinking this was better than the promised death, she ate the fruit. Seeing this, God gets all mad and and junk, and promptly kicks the two out of the Garden, never to return.

I have a few questions, however.  

Where is the Garden of Eden? We're living in the future. We have detailed high-resolution photographs of the entire planet and not once has anyone seen a cherubim with a flaming sword saying "Keep Out".

Which version of creation is the correct one? Chapter 1 describes plants and beast created before humanity, where chapter 2 clearly describes them being created after Adam.

Why would God lie to them? He states plainly that on the day they ate of the tree then they would surely die. They did not surely die that day. Now I'm supposed to believe everything else this God person says?


  1. One explanation I've heard--and that wouldn't be accepted by any Abrahamist I've ever encountered--is that the answer lies in the difference between Elohim and Jehovah. They're both names for the divine, but Elohim is plural. It basically means "the gods," or "the pantheon." So in the first part, the gods, together, make...well, the world and everything on and around it, apparently including troglodyte trees that live in absolute darkness. ;)

    Then after that's all done, this minor regional god named Jehovah, or "YHWH," decided to do his own little experiment. He made his own little garden with its own critters and one man to be its caretaker. And he flubbed it totally, and ended up kicking out both Adam and Eve.

    This really jumps out at you in Genesis 3:22-- "Then the Lord God said, 'Behold, the man is like one of us to know good and evil, and now lest he stretch out his hand and also take from the tree of life and eat and live forever'"

    Who's "us?" It's the Elohim, the gods. Apparently, it was an exclusive club, and Jehovah nearly let some newbs sneak in. The banishment wasn't because he was pissed about their disobedience so much as to prevent them from getting at the Tree of Life. (Which is really odd when you think about it...why didn't he command them not to eat from either of those two trees?)

    Where's Eden now? Maybe it got washed away in that flood. Doh!

    Personally, I see the whole thing as a Promethean tale about humans becoming sapient and developing a conscience. Viewed this way, though, it also means God was a tyrant who wanted mindless slaves who would carry out His orders without any thought to whether they were right or wrong. It paints God as a pretty evil character. I think that fits. Look what it took to finally make amends. He sent the most perfectly benign human being the Earth had ever seen, and we tortured him to death. That murder put us back on good terms with God. If that doesn't make him a monster and an enemy of mankind, I don't know what does.

    1. ...that also accounts for where Cain's wife came from. She was from the "other people," the one's Jehovah didn't make.

  2. I've always thought the Bible talks of a pantheon. Not just in Genesis 1, where God says "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness", but also the ten commandments where he states "Thou shalt have no other gods before me". This speaks of multiple deities, YHWH just wants to be the biggest.

    But, yeah, the God of the Bible is a petty, evil prick.