Happy New Year!

Awwww yeah. New year, new look for the worldwide leader in skeptical limericks! Among the changes, you might have noticed the new CafePress store to your right. I am going to try and introduce geeky, godless and limerick inspired stuff there.

Let's make 2012 the Year of the Limerick!

Santorum Surges. The Mayans Were Right!

Santorum is having a surge.
In Iowa the derp has splurged.
He's come from the back
and now leads the pack
and my lunch is back on the verge.

The last time Santorum went out of control.

Rick Santorum is "surging" in the Iowa polls. Ick.

Dumb As Far As They Eye Can See.

Anti-vax on New Year's Eve?
For facts, it is time to grieve.
For truth they don't care.
They feel they must share.
things people shouldn't believe.

The National Vaccine Information Center (NVIC) has decided to run an "educational" video on the dangers of vaccines during the New Year's Eve celebrations in Times Square. Whooping cough has started to become much more of an issue in New York, and the idiots at NVIC feel that there aren't enough sick kids around. Don't mistake me, I am a firm believer in parents' rights and informed consent, but these people push the envelope of stupidity with these advertisements.

Randi, Skepchick and Cuttlefish have much more on this issue.

My children are vaccinated as well.

Why You Should Service Your Customers.

Customer service ain't hard
You just have to stay on your guard.
Treat people like they
gave you their money.
In short: just don't act like a tard.

This is the face of stupid.

Paul Christoforo has decided that his ego is more important than his customers.

This Is A Thing That Actually Exists On My Planet.

The holidays have left me fogged.
Mired in a cookie-filled bog.
As much as I drink
I would never think
of collecting the shit from a log.

THIS IS A REAL THING!

It's better than bad.

Ah, Pope Benny. Never Short On Laughs.

Of all things the Pope has decried
this is a dumb one to deride.
I'm glad the pontiff
hates money. But what if
we knew all that he wants to hide?

The Pope, perched upon his throne and receiving a golden chalice encrusted with precious gems, has decried the "commercial glitter of Christmas". Apparently without a hint of a wry, ironic smile.

He also called for his followers to remember the "essence" of Christmas. Which I suppose would be a return to the old Norse mythologies that brought us the celebrations. This rambling screed has some actual facts in it. Click IF YOU DARE!

The money quote from the Pope's Christmas mass:

"If we want to find the God who appeared as a 

child, then we must dismount from the high horse

of our 'enlightened' reason," he said

Yup. Those of us enlightened souls who use reason to live out our short lives on this rock are just on a "high horse". A perch from which, the Pope proclaims, we must be knocked down.

Not Pictured: Irony

On The Twelfth Day Of Christmas...

The voices in my head are humming.
The whiskey is pleasantly numbing.
I've used all my cheer
'til Christmas next year
Now I must drown out the drumming.



Thanks to both of my readers for indulging me this little bit of nonsense.

Here are my two little drummers.

On The Eleventh Day Of Christmas...

As I am furiously typing
I can hear both of you griping.
It took all I had
to make sure you're glad
so here is your damned piper piping

The eyes that haunt my soul.

Fröhlich Krampusnacht!

Don't you dare cuss or swear!
If you are bad say a prayer!
If you do wrong
he'll drag you along.
Beware of the Krampus! Beware!


Some traditions should have been imported. Coal in the stockings is for pussies and communists. Krampus is the evil that America needs.

On The Tenth Day Of Christmas...

While I was gently sleeping
a lim'rick came a creeping.
I woke in a fright,
I beheld the sight
of a tight-pantsed lord a'leaping.

I shall never sleep again.

On The Ninth Day Of Christmas...

The season is still advancing
and some things need enhancing.
Crack open a keg
and kick up a leg
and enjoy these ladies dancing.

On The Eighth Day Of Christmas...

Santa and all of his ilk
for years from believers have bilked
behavior from those
opposed to wear clothes
and kept us from those who give milk.

I make no apologies.

On The Seventh Day Of Christmas...

Sometimes this seems to drag on.
I love it, so don't get me wrong.
I do get a kick
from writing lim'ricks,
but I'd rather go swimming with swans.

On The Sixth Day Of Christmas...

As I sit here I am gently swaying.
I nearly forgot what I was saying.
Could somebody please
explain 'bout the geese
and tell me just what they are laying.

Pictured: Wut?

Also this.

On The Fifth Day Of Christmas...

I hope that this doesn't get old.
I hope that you weather the cold.
I'l give you the key
to stay warm: whiskey!
And now here's your ring of gold.

Fun Fact: Originally, the gold ring referred to the ring necked pheasant, making the first seven gifts bird related.

On The Fourth Day Of Christmas...

Fowls on the phone sounds absurd.
They cannot utter a word!
If you're recalling
the birds are calling:
The real line is four colly birds.

Truth*. A colly bird is another name for a blackbird.




*Yes, I know wikipedia is not truth.

Farewell, Hitchens

He raised all our IQs a notch.
Idiocy fell on his watch.
We all know that Hitch
was nobody's bitch,
so let's thank him by raising a scotch.

I've never liked the term "New Atheist". Speaking out against religion is nothing new. That is why the old gods are now seen as myths, and why the current deities are destined to follow.

Christopher Hitchens was a voice against the tyranny of religion, and the idiocy of belief. His voice was silenced after a fight with cancer. I do not agree with all of his political positions, but I have nothing but respect for him.

Oh, yeah:

FUCK CANCER

On The Third Day Of Christmas...

The season is firmly entrenched.
In spiked eggnog we'll soon be drenched.
It might be the cheer
(or perhaps the beer)
but here are three hens that are french.

On The Second Day Of Christmas...

Today is now the second day.
I hope your apparel is gay.
May you find peace, love
and two turtle doves,
and cookies from the fat man's sleigh.

On The First Day Of Christmas...

The first day of Christmas is here,
so fire up holiday cheer.
Traditionally
my love gave to me
a bird in a tree that bears pears.

Yup, it's that season again. I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.

Money Can't Buy Happiness, But It Can Rent To Own

No one I know finds it funny
when you have misplaced your money.
Someone will laugh last
when sums are this vast.
That cash is somewhere warm and sunny.

Jon Corzine, former Democrat Senator and Governor of New Jersey, was the head of MF Global. That company is being investigated after collapsing in October. Corzine has stated that he doesn't know where some of the money has gone, which could total up to $1.2 billion. With a B.

Someone got that money, and they now have another nice vacation home in the Caribbean.

Trust

Religionists talk about trust,
how only their views are just.
If your moral guide's
that ass in the sky
I'll treat your views with disgust.

The headline is "STUDY: RELIGIOUS PEOPLE TRUST ATHEISTS ABOUT AS MUCH AS THEY DO RAPISTS".  They get their morality from a book that endorses slavery and says that a rape victim should be forced to marry her attacker. I get my morality from the idea that this is the only shot we have at life, and we should treat each other like it's their only shot as well. The idea of the Golden Rule, treating other people as you would have them treat you, is a central idea of religions and belief systems across the world, and predates Christianity by millennia. I prefer Confucious's version, personally:

"Zi Gong asked, saying, "Is there one word that may 

serve as a rule of practice for all one's life?" 

The Master said, "Is not RECIPROCITY such a word?"

I touched on the reciprocity idea almost 4(!) years ago in a limerick. Not as eloquent as Confucious, but I think it gets the point across.

One Down, Derp To Go

Cain has abandoned his run.
His indiscretions left him stunned.
He did something silly:
he thought with his willy
and now I Cain't have as much fun.

I have calculated the fact that Herman Cain abandoned his campaign because of an affair while Gingrich is the front runner to be 1.376 Newtons.