By The Book

To convert them, by hook or by crook
you should always be seen where they look.
If you have the nerve
to sign up and serve
they'll make sure you see their "good" book.

The Pentagon has responded to a minor kerfuffle that has arisen recently. The have backed a National Guard recruitment center in St. Louis MO, which has been offering camouflage-covered Bibles to recruits as they prepare to serve our country. As long as every organization has the opportunity to offer their books, then I don't think there should be a problem. If they start excluding anyone, then lawsuits should be a-filed.

Anyone who has been in the military knows that this is not at all uncommon. I remember Bibles being handout out during in-processing at Ft. Jackson when I went there in '96. I was religious at the time, so it did not bother me at all. As I started sliding into un-belief, I started noticing more and more how insidious the Christian culture had infiltrated all ranks of whatever command I was in.

The worst part was when we were in the field. Out in the sun all day, training hard, playing soldier like a boss, eating MREs. Slogging back to base, dirty, dripping with sweat, hungry to the soul for hot food and a hot shower. Cleaning up a bit, we'd hit the mess tent. Regardless of how loud our stomachs protested, we could not sate ourselves.

Someone always had to open their big mouths to pray over our food. Not caring about what the belief of any other soldier might be, they would not serve any food until the magic words had been spoken.

It was not limited to meal time, either. If you wanted a promotion and your commander was religious, you best not miss his Prayer Breakfast every Sunday's drill. Religion is like a worm that has worked its way through the command structure, and woe betide you if you believe differently than some commands.

Sunday School

In the beginning, it's said
God dragged his ass out of bed
made the dark and light,
split the day and night
a week later rested his head.

He made all the beasts, fish, and birds
I guess by just saying the word.
He made trees and plants
and beetles and ants,
although some might call it absurd.

Now, if this book can be believed,
and we are not being deceived
so he wasn't alone
God made Adam a clone.
Before there was Dolly, there was Eve.

Although he is such a good guy
God just came straight out and lied.
He said ,"Do not eat
the fruit of the tree.
For if you do you'll surely die."

Then Eve came and ate of the fruit.
Adam, soon after, followed suit.
And here's where God lied:
Neither of them died!
Though from Eden they both got the boot.

In the beginning was Genesis. God looked upon it and said "What the fuck am I reading?" Chapter 1 is your basic creation myth, with God creating everything in no particular order that would make any sense. Verses 11 and 12 document the creation of trees, grasses, and herbs on the third day. Daylight, which is kind of important to the photosynthesis of said plants, is not created until the fourth day. The first of what I am sure will be many ineffable mysteries of God. Verse 27 is the sixth day, when humanity is created, male and female, in God's image. In verses 28 - 30, man is given dominion over every living and growing thing on the planet. And it was good.

Chapter 2 is also a creation story, albeit a bit different than the first. God created Adam first this time, and then created the Garden of Eden, as well as all the beasts in order for Adam to find a "help-meet". None of the beasts were quite good enough for him, so God cloned Adam from a rib, hence Eve. And they were both naked, and it was good. Verse 17 is God's first lie.

But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

In chapter 3 we are introduced to the Serpent, the first honest creature. He mentions to Eve that she won't die, but with the knowledge then humans would become as gods themselves. Thinking this was better than the promised death, she ate the fruit. Seeing this, God gets all mad and and junk, and promptly kicks the two out of the Garden, never to return.

I have a few questions, however.  

Where is the Garden of Eden? We're living in the future. We have detailed high-resolution photographs of the entire planet and not once has anyone seen a cherubim with a flaming sword saying "Keep Out".

Which version of creation is the correct one? Chapter 1 describes plants and beast created before humanity, where chapter 2 clearly describes them being created after Adam.

Why would God lie to them? He states plainly that on the day they ate of the tree then they would surely die. They did not surely die that day. Now I'm supposed to believe everything else this God person says?