Judge Me Not

No matter what's stuck in your craw
or what you think is the last straw
you still took a vow.
So just drop it now.
You still have to follow the law!

As a student of people, I am constantly surprised at how much I can still learn from them. Take these sheriffs, for example.

After having won elections to serve as the highest lawmen for their respective, a few enterprising sheriffs have decided to take it upon themselves to interpret the law, instead of just upholding it. They want us to believe they they are the sole arbiters of what is and is not allowed by the Constitution. Well, at least what their twisted idea of what is in the Constitution, not what the Constitution actually says.

A growing number of law enforcement officers are stating that they will refuse to uphold laws that they deem violate the 2nd Amendment. None of the laws currently on the books or proposed actually do that, but that won't matter in the slightest to these people. The three branch system that comprises our government isn't perfect, but it has served us well as an effective balance of power. The idea that a heavily armed group of people might take it upon themselves to act as all three branches is, to me, more than a little frightening.

Unless, of course, it's all bullshit hyperbole solely for the effect of riling up the masses to garner more votes. Politicians wouldn't do that, would they?

The new uniform for the Sheriff's Office

Master Debaters, Denouement

When you shoot your mouth from the hip
like a cowboy wearing wing-tips
you perhaps should have thought
foreign policy's not
just like a game of Battleship.

Last night was the third and, thankfully, final presidential debate. Mitt Romney looked less like a serious candidate and more like a beauty pageant contestant who couldn't think of a suitable answer to the final question.

There were a couple of really great points made by the president, as he slapped Romney around like a petulant kindergartner who pretends to know everything.

MR. ROMNEY: Our Navy is older — excuse me — our Navy is smaller now than any time since 1917.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I think Governor Romney maybe hasn't spent enough time looking at how our military works. You — you mentioned the Navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1916. Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military's changed. We have these things called aircraft carriers where planes land on them. We have these ships that go underwater, nuclear submarines.

And so the question is not a game of Battleship where we're counting ships. It's — it's what are our capabilities. 

While that was the big "Oh, Snap" moment in the debate, the biggest WTF moment was, hands down, Romney's comments on Iran and Syria.

MR. ROMNEY: Syria is Iran's only ally in the Arab world. It's their route to the sea.

Any Fourth Grade geography student can look at a globe and point out the idiocy of that statement. Iran is separated by Iraq and Turkey. Iran also has more than 1,500 miles of coastline, connecting to the Persian Gulf and Gulf of Oman, as well as Caspian Sea.

I wish I could take credit for the "cowboy wearing wingtips" line, but I stole it from one of Obama's advisers.

Master Debater

Neither side seemed to be great.
It wasn't at all worth the wait.
So fill up your cup
and get liquor'd up
for the first presidential debate.

Last night featured what seemed to be an odd debate. On style, the winner is clearly Romney, because he made sure he got the last word at every opportunity and all but called the President a liar, which his base will eat up.  Obama seemed to want to be somewhere else, doing something else. I can understand that, seeing as how it was his 20th wedding anniversary, but it doesn't forgive his sub-par performance.

On substance, the winner was Obama. Romney still refuses to name any specifics to any plan of his, except that he would cut all funding to PBS. Romney also spent a considerable amount of time denying the policies that he has been espousing almost since 2007, when he first began running for president.

The loser was clearly Jim Lehrer. The rejected officials from the Lingerie Football League would have had more control over this debate than Lehrer had. He refused to keep either man on question and let Romney walk all over him. A sad performance from a respected journalist.

What the Lingerie Football League might look like. For reference.

The 'C' Word

The right wing has opened my eyes,
though it should not have been a surprise.
If you haven't heard,
then new bad 'c' word
is the evil thing called 'compromise'.

I'm a bit of a political junkie. I love the democratic process, the nuts and bolts of our electoral machine. I also very much enjoy watching the implosion of a major political party. The Republicans have whole-heartedly embraced the lunatic fringe, the teahadist insurgents hell-bent on either everyone believing their way or destroying everything and salting the earth behind them, ensuring nothing will ever grow again.

I know that there are lunatics of every political stripe. On the left there is ELF, ALF, Greenpeace and PETA. The difference, however, is the fact that the left doesn't embrace the fringe as their base, insisting that everyone follow their beliefs lock-step, and excoriating those who don't follow their rabid frothings as not true believers and jettisoning them from the party.

The right has truly come to believe that compromise is a dirty word, and they will shut down the democratic process instead of finding a common ground.

Money Talks

Even before it had bloomed
Chris Christie knew it was doomed.
Although the ticket
asked him, he quit it
to avoid the G O P's gloom.

JT shares a story about ho Mitt Romney's first choice for his Vice-Presidential candidate, Chris Christie, turned down that 'honor' in order to remain governor of New Jersey. His reasoning?

Money.

If Christie would run on the presidential ticket, he would have to step down as governor, due to New Jersey's 'pay-to-play' laws. If he were to run, banks and other investment firms could not donate more than $250 to the campaign and still do business in NJ.

Would Christie had run if Romney had a chance of winning?

"But Christie adamantly refused to sacrifice his post, believing that being Romney’s running mate wasn’t worth the gamble."

That's faith in one's convictions.

He looks hungry.

Born Free

Of everything on and off Earth
there are things that my time is worth.
This story's a bore.
Some things matter more
than the place of the President's birth.

Mitt Romney has finally embraced the crazy end of the Republican party. I know, I know, he's said some really stupid things since the primaries, but this one takes the proverbial cake.

"No one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate; they know that this is the place where both of us were born and raised."

His campaign has since tried to mitigate the idiocy, saying that “He’s illustrating that he was born and raised here in Michigan.”

If he's so proud of being from Michigan, why did he vehemently oppose the bailout of the auto industry?

It's True

He might seem clever and wily,
and thinks of himself very highly.
It took time to place
where I'd seen his face:
Paul Ryan looks just like Guy Smiley.

The 2012 Republican Vice-Presidential Nominee

H/T to Tyler Lowry

November is Coming

After we vote they'll be cryin',
because we ain't buyin' their lyin'.
Mitt Romney's veep pick
is thick as a brick
He won't win the race 'cause of Ryan.

Mitt Romney has hit derp factor 9, choosing Wisconsin Republican Congressman Paul Ryan to be his running mate heading in to the Presidential election in November. Paul Ryan had become well known for his budget that would have gutted Medicare, while raising taxes on the lowest wage earners and cutting trillions in taxes from the richest Americans.

Some have said the Rep. Ryan is the smartest guy on the Republican's side. I'm not sure what that says about the right, but Ryan is what a stupid person would think a smart person would sound like.

Political Dissent

Can't stand which way he might vote?
Don't care 'bout his rights, not a mote?
One thing that ought'll
silence him: A bottle.
Or just shove a rag down his throat.

Good old Ohio. Just when I jump on Texas for Republican idiocy, my home state roars right back, trying to take the lead in a horribly depressing race.

Mitt Romney was stumping in Parma on Thursday, July 5th. A couple of rabble-rousers were exercising their "god-given" First Amendment rights, shouting "Pawlenty, Go Home" as the Minnesota Governor was giving his speech at the Parma strip mall. A true patriot, named Richard Brysac, thought that the peaceful chanting had gone too far, had crossed a line that should never have been crossed. So Mr. Brysac acted in the most patriotic way he could.

He tried to silence a chanter by drowning him with bottled water. When that didn't work, Mr. Brysac took the next logical step. That step, of course, was gagging the chanter, Al Neal, with a balled up handkerchief.

When asked why he assaulted Mr. Neal, Mr. Brysac stated:

"He seemed thirsty, so I tried to shove the bottle in his mouth. I thought it was wrong to interfere with [Pawlenty's] freedom of speech."

He then added:

"I acted out of character and I apologize if I offended anyone."

No, you acted completely in character. Politics is taking an ugly, ugly turn in this country. I just hope the violence doesn't increase in the next four months. I also hope that people can accept the results peacefully, no matter which team wins.

Politics is a gentleman's game.

Political Porn

Tonight we'll know the Union's state,
which we all know ain't all that great.
The President says
we'll see better days,
but it seems we'll just have to wait.

For the record, I am an Obama supporter. When he was running in 2008, we donated $25 to his campaign. We will not be doing that this time around. He seriously dropped the ball on the NDAA signing. Even though his "signing statement" stated that the indefinite detention would not apply to American citizens, what is to stop a future president from revoking that statement? Or even himself, at a later date. He has shown a bit more spine recently, though, with the recess appointment of Richard Cordray and standing up to the Republican idiocy in the House.

Tonight is the State of the Union Address. In it, President Obama is planning to lay out a path for future economic growth. The only way that can happen, in my view, is to cut spending (including military), increase taxes on capital gains to reflect the rest of the tax rates, decrease deductions and loopholes (including deductions for churches), and increase education and R&D spending. Only then can we truly compete in this global economy.

It's As If Everyday Is My Birthday!

This year, for the lulz I'm rootin'.
The right? Their own feet they're shootin'.
Let's vote for the dope
and real soon, I hope,
we'll be cruisin' for a Newton

Newt Gingrich is the Hero of South Carolina, beating Mitt by nearly 13%. Since Dick Perry dropped out, my allegiance for laughs have shifted to Newt.

Newt and Mitt discuss their chances of winning in November

See Dick. See Dick Run Away

He's leaving the stage in disgrace.
There's no way that he can save face.
The derp that he spewed
would leave us all screwed
Let's be glad he's out of the race.

Dammit all straight to the fiery pits of hell. Dick Perry, the biggest moron in the GOP race this year (and that's saying something), has dropped out of contention for the Republican nomination for president.

I has a sad.

That is sooo Takei.

Why Campaign At All?

"Let them eat cake" is the quote.
Born rich? Then you shouldn't gloat.
Hand out a pittance,
then say good riddance.
The best way to win is buy votes.

Mitt. Such a down to earth normal Joe. If that "normal Joe" inherited millions of dollars from his father, got every opportunity handed to him then became a politician who will do or say anything to anyone for a vote, then he's the most normal Joe there is.

Mitt Romney, Schrodinger's candidate for president, was at a campaign stop in South Carolina. At this stop, he was approached by a woman with a story about how her electricity was turned off, and how was he going to help her. He reached into his wallet and handed her "50 or 60 dollars". A man who is campaigning partially on a platform of boot-strappiness and no government handouts hands out money to random strangers at campaign stops.

Although...

It appears that this woman, Ruth Williams, was apparently a volunteer for the Romney campaign. So an act of supposed kindness turns out to be a calculated political move that, if not blatantly illegal, should be at least investigated by the FEC.

What bootstraps might look like

Can't Beat 'Em? Blow 'Em All Up!

The GOP is now sweatin'.
South Carolina is gettin'
to be a good place
for an ugly race.
Gingrich declared Armageddon.

One of the great things about following politics is the personalities involved. Newt, if you remember from the '90s, shut down the government as Speaker of the House, by not allowing a vote on budgets. He did this because, on a flight on Air Force One, he was asked to sit towards the rear of the plane, away from the president and other dignitaries. Now, in the style only a truly petulant child could bring, Newt has decided to fire both barrels at Mitt in the South Carolina primary race.

A scorched earth policy would truly be the best thing for the Republicans, at least in the humble opinion of this pinko-commie heathen.

The Traveler has come.

Humor Is Simple

I could come at this many ways
and tell jokes for days upon days.
A sight to behold,
this headline is gold:
"Has Santorum Gone Soft On Gays?"

As I said, I am a HUGE fan of the Republicans. This is a real headline that was published by a reasonably well-respected online publication. Just think: If Santorum wasn't such a hateful person, we wouldn't have the alternate definition and this would be just another headline.

Penis goes where?

Schrodinger's Candidate

Victory, Mitt has attained.
Too soon yet to pop the champagne.
The rest still remain.
I can't stand the strain.
I need something to numb my brain.

So, the New Hampshire primary is over. Mitt Romney won, which was only a surprise to anyone who has not read any news over the last 6 months. What might be more of a surprise, considering the "santorum surge", is that RON PAUL won second place. And, after all, the only way to save the GOP is to vote for RON PAUL!

The title is taken from Schrodinger's Cat. From the Wiki:

One can even set up quite ridiculous cases. A cat is penned up in a steel chamber, along with the following device (which must be secured against direct interference by the cat): in a Geiger counter, there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small that perhaps in the course of the hour, one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none; if it happens, the counter tube discharges, and through a relay releases a hammer that shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid. If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The psi-function of the entire system would express this by having in it the living and dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts. 

Mitt Romney is Schrodinger's candidate. He can be two different people at the same time.

Monkey Mayhem

Need guidance? You just have to ask.
Grandpa is up to the task!
He'll soon pick who wins
New Hampshire, and then
the idiocy will be unmasked.

Grandpa, the howler monkey described as "barely psychic", will be picking the winner of the New Hampshire primary. Well, he'll be choosing a banana with a candidate's name written on it, but is that REALLY much different from how we do things?

My grandpa weren't no monkey.

Not Safe For Work. Not Safe for LUNCH.

He really is a stupid lout
who's numbers, by now, should go south.
Looks like a chia,
he spews diarrhea
and thick santorum from his mouth.

Slick Dick Santorum has brought out the old, tired slippery slope argument again, saying if "anyone can marry anybody else...then everyone can marry several people." Although my wife and I are not choosing polyamory or polygamy, why should consenting adults be told what they can (or can't) do in their own homes?

I really am confused by the cognitive dissonance on the right. How can you claim to be for smaller government and in the next breath want the government in everyone's bedroom? It really is something only an Electric Monk could believe. But even the Monk's circuits might get overloaded by the level of idiocy exhibited by the current Republican party.

You can tell his family values him.

The "chia" rhyme is forced. I'm sorry for that.

Running Forever And Going Nowhere.

Iowa takes center stage
hoping to soon turn the page.
They raise a ruckus
running their caucus
with ideas from the stone age.

The Iowa caucus is today. So much bluster, and yet it will mean almost nothing.

Family values I can support.

When Desperation Meets Dumb.

Pity the mind of poor Newt
who seems is in it for the loot.
With his offenses
come to your senses
and give this poor fucker the boot.

I am a fan of the Republican primary season. Not because I have a horse in the race, but because of the humor. The humor is amazing. This primary season is one that Thurber would write, or Twain, or any other great American satirist. The Republican candidates are not presidential. They are parodies of what an awful president would be. The Republicans have put forward a group of candidates that you might expect to be allowed to run by a tin-pot dictator in a banana republic, not legitimate contenders to the highest position in the country, and the leader of the free world.

Take, for example, Newt Gingrich. After falling like a stone from the front-runner position, he has attempted to curry favor from the idiots that encompass the base of the right by making this statement:

“I, also, am an amateur paleontologist, so I’ve spent 

a lot of time looking at the earth’s temperature 

over a long time, and I’m a lot harder to convince 

than just looking at a computer model.”

That right there is weapons grade stupid. That is not the kind of statement a thinking person makes. That is the kind of statement an idiot makes. Or a hypocrite pandering for votes.

I think both descriptions fit.

Former Speaker Gingrich and his wife, Stepford.