A New Low

If you've bid intelligence adieu,
and think that our progress is through
let your mind decay
just kneel down and pray:
"Today I will learn nothing new!"

This was going to be just a one-off limerick, something that has been buzzing around in my skull for a couple of days that I had to get out. The idea that "I will learn nothing new today" seems to be a motto of right-wing kooks, something that they adhere to but never actually say out loud.

Until now.

Yesterday, the platform of the Texas GOP was released (PDF), and it has some horribly regressive gems in it. The kicker has got to be this sparkling turd:

"We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (HOTS)

(values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs 

that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education (OBE)

(mastery learning) which focus on behavior modification and 

have the purpose of challenging the student’s fixed beliefs and 

undermining parental authority."

Yup. The official platform of the Republican Party of Texas decries critical thinking. because it might challenge what the student believes. And we can't have that, can we?

Loch and Load

It's great to say that you're teachin'.
Make sure you aren't overreachin'.
'Cause if your lesson's
the 'truth' of Nessie
then those aren't facts: You're just preachin'.

The next step in fundamentalist idiocy is more stupid than I expected. A company called Accelerated Christian Education has reached the bottom of an already disturbingly deep barrel. Their argument, basically, is that the Loch Ness monster actually exists, so it must have swum there after Noah's flood, therefore evolution didn't happen.

They also teach that "apartheid was beneficial to South Africa; reasons include the claim that segregated schools “made it possible for each group to maintain and pass on their culture and heritage to their children”.

A charter school in Louisiana will receive government funding, in the form of vouchers, to teach these things to children.

J Geils Band Was So Very Right

If dating is not going well
and you've gone through a dry spell,
then just take the bait
and sniff out a date
and find true love based on a smell.

So, this is an actual really real thing that people do.

Words Mean Things

The best thing I've learned is ask why,
and all of life's answers you'll find.
Through all my queries
the big mystery's
how any "real" Christian could lie.

Words really and truly mean things. Very specific words mean very specific things. David Barton, historical revisionist extraordinaire, said:

"Now, that's why the Constitution's a problem. Look at Article III, Section 1, the treason clause--direct quote out of the Bible. You look at Article II, the quote on the President [having] to be native-born--that is Deuteronomy 17:15, verbatim. I mean, look at how many clauses come out [of the Bible]. That drives the secularists nuts, because the Bible is all over [the Constitution]. Now, we as Christians don't tend to recognize that. We think it's a secular document--we've bought into their lies. It's not."

Verbatim, as it so happens, is one of those pesky words that mean a very specific thing. Merriam-Webster's defines verbatim:

": in the exact words : word for word "

Lying for Jesus is still lying, and the Bible has very specific rules about lying.

Everything You Know Is Wrong

The war on knowledge has begun.
What we thought we knew now's undone.
I believed a bit,
then realized it's shit
because real science has been shunned.

Attention Time Cube guy: A new challenger has arrived!

The Quest for Right is a series of seven textbooks that purports to

"represent the ultimate marriage between 

in-depth knowledge of biblical phenomena and 

natural and physical sciences"

A glimpse at parts of Volume 1 shows the level of sheer idiocy to which the author has sunk. It truly is an escape from reality, and a triumphant refutation of everything science has learned over the years.

Evidence Is Lies

Idiocy seems to be winning.
The creationists are grinning.
Science is losing.
Let's all keep boozing:
There's new polls about beginnings.


According to a Gallup poll released June 1st, 46% of Americans believe that we were created exactly as we are.

It makes Leakey's prognostication seem a little sillier.

Good Kitty.

I know people care 'bout their cat,
their friend who will purr when they pat.
It's okay to mourn
when your friends pass on.
It's never okay to do that.

A Dutch artist lost his cat after it got hit by a car. I've lost a pet in the same way, so I can understand the pain of the loss. What I cannot understand, however is his response to it.

In what I can only describe as the creepiest thing ever, he turned his cat, Orville Wright, into a remote controlled helicopter.

You will see this whenever you close your eyes.

Kids These Days.

Some battles need to be fought,

although they leave me distraught.

It is not innate:

Kids aren't born to hate,

they grow up just how they were taught.

A small child sings about how "ain't no homos gonna get into heaven" during a service at the Apostolic Truth Tabernacle in Greensburg, IN. These words aren't the child's words. These words were given to him by an adult he trusts. An adult who is supposed to help mold him into a functioning member of society. All this child is going to learn is that anyone who loves differently than himself is evil.

There truly is no hate like religious hate.

Fowl

To fill all your prophecy needs,
make sure you get good chicken feed.
Because the devout
put back what comes out.
Just ask the Prophet Hen of Leeds.

Yes, this was a real thing. The moral I get from this tale? Don't shove anything back in a hole it came out of.

If either of my readers can find a natural rhyme for 'cloaca' please let me know.

Evolving Beliefs

Leakey has made up his mind:
Soon even 'skeptics' will find
that we finally solved
the facts we evolved
I think we'll still find them blind.

Paleoanthropologist Richard Leakey has said he expects evolution "skeptics" will admit, in the next 15 to 30 years, the the evidence is too overwhelming to ignore.

While I admire his optimism, I think he has neglected to take into his calculations the ignorance of the truly religious.

Dweam Wifin A Dweam

Think your marriage was a blunder?
Will it last? We don't have to wonder.
Dear Leader says he
thinks gays should marry
and now your vows will come asunder.

President Obama has come out to say the he thinks gays should be allowed to marry, using the same terms and getting all of the same rights and benefits of opposite-sex marriages. He has said before that he felt that same-sex couples could use the term 'civil unions', which I always felt had a 'separate but equal' kind of vibe.

I know that this pronouncement would not have affected the vote in North Carolina that enshrined hatred and bigotry into the state constitution. Again. I am happy that he has finally taken a stand to be on the right side of history.

On The Covering Of Legs

When I become king we'll all dance.
We'll celebrate with beer implants.
I'd hear all the pleas
then make a decree.
My first act: Ban all of the pants.

Pants are, inherently, a great wrong. They are an evil that truly great civilizations must eschew. There are many other options to replace pants that do not include seeing "your bits and bobs blowing in the wind, making noise, and reminding me of floppy wind chimes.*"

Shorts, kilts, togas and pajama bottoms are all classier, more comfortable options.

And pajama bottoms are NOT pants. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a lying liar, and anything they say can (and should) be dismissed.


*Thanks to Julia McCain for the quote.

Nip It In The Bud

If you think you might have a hunch
that your son might like boys a bunch.
He's got a limp wrist?
Then ball up your fist
and give that li'l guy a good punch.

Sean Harris, a pastor in North Carolina,went off on an interesting screed this past Sunday, extolling the virtues of child abuse as a means of gender identification.

"Can I make it any clearer? Dads, the second 

you see your son dropping the limp wrist, 

you walk over there and crack that wrist. 

Man up. Give him a good punch"

He has released a statement declaring his advocating of the punching of children to be a joke, taken out of context by the LGBT community.

Because jokes about beating children are the funniest.

Sean Harris, parent of the year candidate.

It's All Relative...

Since energy's equal to mass
times light squared, as I learned in class,
does that mean Andy's
mass will be increased
by the speed his head's shoved up his ass?

Andy Schlafly is not your normal, run of the mill idiot. He's a special kind of dumb. Andy is the "mind" behind Conservapedia, which bills itself as "The Trustworthy Enclyopedia". FSTDT brings us a quote of his, which seems to exemplify the neo-conservative mandate of waking each morning vowing "Today, I will learn nothing!".

"The problem is that E=mc2 does not meaning anything that makes sense. Anyone is welcome to try to explain it here. Eating a pound of cake does not cause one's energy to increase by the speed of light squared."

Andy Schlafly

Truly, this is a stupid that is willful, an ignorance to which one must aspire, a blithering idiocy that one must strive to attain. This is not a statement that a thinking person makes. This is the statement of a person who works diligently to remain at the forefront of ludicrous foolishness.

Scopes, Mark 2

Tennessee, known for its hooch,
has given the fundies a smooch.
They've shown that they see
facts are secondary.
Creation will be taught as truth.

The Scopes Monkey Trial was one of the most famous court trials in the history of the USA. In 1925, John Scopes was, ultimately, found guilty of teaching evolution in the classroom in violation of the law.

Here we are in 2012, banging our heads against the same wall. Science has proved, irrefutably, that evolution has occurred. Any other argument is a lie. Any person who says that there is a controversy in the science is a liar. Tennessee has allowed a bill to be passed into law that indulges the liars to let anti-science rhetoric into the classrooms in the state.

I am disappointed in the governor for not vetoing the bill. As a cynic, however, I am not surprised.

Reflections

I look at that guy in the mirror.
He looks scared. Could it be fear? Or
can he just not see
what tomorrow will bring?
I wish that I could see him clearer.

Head Games.

There are things that all people dread.
For me? Getting stuck in my head.
I so hate this pain.
It drives me insane.
I don't want to get out of bed.

I have, again, been fighting against depression. I know that the 40mg Citalopram is working for me, but the constant pain is working against me. It's impossible for me to ignore, or even put at the back of my mind for even a short time.

I am, however, going to be back to regular limericks. I have realized that creating these for both of you helps keep me sane.

Traditions

There once was a young bawdy nun
who did what each man wanted done.
She knelt in her grotto
repeating her motto
"God says many come into one."

She Blinded Me...

If you think the Koran is true,
then do what real scientists do:
Observe and then test.
Don't just make a guess,
don't count on what your "prophet" knew.

PZ tells a story about Islamic "science", in which the words of the Prophet Muhammad are subject to the scientific method. The issue, however, is that if you were to use shoddy science, you could prove anything, from a fly being dipped twice in a drink curing the diseases it carries to the existence of extra-terrestrials building the Egyptian pyramids.

Justice

The "good" book says "Vengeance is mine!",
and judgement is from the divine.
But just like that game
called "Phone" that we played
something got lost down the line.

Political Porn

Tonight we'll know the Union's state,
which we all know ain't all that great.
The President says
we'll see better days,
but it seems we'll just have to wait.

For the record, I am an Obama supporter. When he was running in 2008, we donated $25 to his campaign. We will not be doing that this time around. He seriously dropped the ball on the NDAA signing. Even though his "signing statement" stated that the indefinite detention would not apply to American citizens, what is to stop a future president from revoking that statement? Or even himself, at a later date. He has shown a bit more spine recently, though, with the recess appointment of Richard Cordray and standing up to the Republican idiocy in the House.

Tonight is the State of the Union Address. In it, President Obama is planning to lay out a path for future economic growth. The only way that can happen, in my view, is to cut spending (including military), increase taxes on capital gains to reflect the rest of the tax rates, decrease deductions and loopholes (including deductions for churches), and increase education and R&D spending. Only then can we truly compete in this global economy.

Michael Behe Is A Moron

Behe is causing me pain
Intelligence he often feigns.
Explain to me, please
how he walks and sees
with such a less evolved brain.

Michael Behe is an idiot. It is a tribute to the tolerance, patience and freedoms allotted to him that he is allowed to continue to spew his uninformed lies to the masses and claim it as "science". I'm not the smartest man on the planet. I don't have a college degree. I write limericks. But, and here's the important distinction, I am not a moron. I will not lie about or distort scientific findings to try and prop up an idea about the main deity of a bronze-age, desert dwelling goat herder. If I am shown to be wrong about a statement or a belief I hold, then I am willing to change it. That's what makes me different than a serial liar like Michael Behe.

Nothing is more or less evolved than any other thing. Because we are more complex than an amoeba does not mean we are "more evolved". That's a trap that most people fall into, if they don't really understand what evolution truly is.

Get educated about evolution.

It's As If Everyday Is My Birthday!

This year, for the lulz I'm rootin'.
The right? Their own feet they're shootin'.
Let's vote for the dope
and real soon, I hope,
we'll be cruisin' for a Newton

Newt Gingrich is the Hero of South Carolina, beating Mitt by nearly 13%. Since Dick Perry dropped out, my allegiance for laughs have shifted to Newt.

Newt and Mitt discuss their chances of winning in November

Love And Marriage And Bigotry

Sometimes these excuses are great,
and add humor to the debate.
They'll stand up and fight,
say "Don't take our rights!"
"If it's religious it's not hate!"

So, the newest argument from the religious leaders is that the legalization of same-sex marriage will cause them to be seen as bigots(PDF), therefore the marriages should not be allowed.

"As religious leaders across a wide variety of faith communities, 

we join together to affirm that marriage in its true definition must 

be protected for its own sake and for the good of society."

"In short, the refusal of these religious organizations to treat 

a same-sex sexual relationship as if it were a marriage 

marked them and their members as bigots, subjecting them 

to the full arsenal of government punishments 

and pressures reserved for racists."

Hey guys, I have a secret for you...

If you don't want to be seen as bigots the DON'T ACT LIKE A BIGOT.

See Dick. See Dick Run Away

He's leaving the stage in disgrace.
There's no way that he can save face.
The derp that he spewed
would leave us all screwed
Let's be glad he's out of the race.

Dammit all straight to the fiery pits of hell. Dick Perry, the biggest moron in the GOP race this year (and that's saying something), has dropped out of contention for the Republican nomination for president.

I has a sad.

That is sooo Takei.

Stay Strong, Jessica.

From Cranston, there once was a lass
who handled attackers with class.
The religious screed:
"She'll cow if bullied!"
stopped when she handed them their ass.

Jessica Ahlquist, student extraordinaire, has come under increasing fire from state legislators in Rhode Island. It is not, apparently, the job of a government official to uphold the United States Constitution. At least, not when votes are on the line.

Laws Are Made To Be Broken, Right?

When you want the poor to take tests
perhaps, I think, it would be best
before driving drunk
that you would have thunk
how to get your ticket suppressed.

There is a growing movement, in some of the "red" states, to force recipients of government funds, be those funds welfare, food stamps or even unemployment, to take drug tests. Personally, I feel that those laws are a violation of the 4th Amendment, but none of them have seen a court yet. There is a state representative in Georgia, John Andrew "Kip" Smith who has introduced similar legislation in the Georgia House.

Kip was driving home from a restaurant, ran a red light, then was pulled over by a trooper. He blew .091, and then failed the field sobriety tests. At the police station he blew .099 and .100 on subsequent tests.

This is, truly, the definition of poetic justice.

So THAT'S what hypocrisy looks like.

Tyranny Of The Majority Is Still Tyranny.

Palumbo's shown to be a fool.
Laws are now suggestions not rules?
He picks on a teen
who's "evil and mean",
and thinks prayers are okay in school.

Peter Palumbo is not a nice person. After Jessica Ahlquist won her fight to have the banner removed from the Cranston West High School gym wall, he called her an "evil little thing". who is "being coerced by evil people".

Palumbo needs to grow up a bit, and realize that laws are to protect EVERYBODY. He also needs to recognize courage when he sees it, and to stand up for what's right.

Why Campaign At All?

"Let them eat cake" is the quote.
Born rich? Then you shouldn't gloat.
Hand out a pittance,
then say good riddance.
The best way to win is buy votes.

Mitt. Such a down to earth normal Joe. If that "normal Joe" inherited millions of dollars from his father, got every opportunity handed to him then became a politician who will do or say anything to anyone for a vote, then he's the most normal Joe there is.

Mitt Romney, Schrodinger's candidate for president, was at a campaign stop in South Carolina. At this stop, he was approached by a woman with a story about how her electricity was turned off, and how was he going to help her. He reached into his wallet and handed her "50 or 60 dollars". A man who is campaigning partially on a platform of boot-strappiness and no government handouts hands out money to random strangers at campaign stops.

Although...

It appears that this woman, Ruth Williams, was apparently a volunteer for the Romney campaign. So an act of supposed kindness turns out to be a calculated political move that, if not blatantly illegal, should be at least investigated by the FEC.

What bootstraps might look like

With Great Power Comes Great Dickishness.

It would be nice if he cared,
perched on his throne in the air.
If all his grandeur
would help out the poor,
or if he did good anywhere.

God, as we have been told, is a stand-up kind of fellow. A really good guy, they say. That is why, in a new poll, 43 percent of people asked stated that they thought God was helping Tim Tebow win football games. 54 percent of people identifying as Republicans answered in the affirmative as well. So, instead of relieving pain and suffering that occurs worldwide, instead of stopping rapes and murders and genocide across the world, instead of protecting people from hurricanes, tornadoes and earthquakes, the "all-loving" God is helping a holier-than-though second-rate quarterback win football games.

That's a deity who, even if he did exist, I could not follow. That guy sounds like a dick.

God's own quarterback.

Victory For Rationalism

Jessica's battle's been won
but there's still much more to be done!
Though now she is slurred
she stood to be heard
and we're better off in the long run.

Jessica Ahlquist, a student in Cranston High School West, walked in on the first day of school and saw this banner:

As you can plainly see, it is a purely secular message, that is all inclusive of every belief. At least, that's what the administration of the school wanted a judge to believe. Jessica, with help from the ACLU, brought suit against the school to have the banner removed, citing violations of the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. Today, a judge sided with her, and the school has 10 days to remove the banner.

Congratulations for standing strong, Jessica. You are an inspiration. I hope my children will be as strong as you are when they get older.

Can't Beat 'Em? Blow 'Em All Up!

The GOP is now sweatin'.
South Carolina is gettin'
to be a good place
for an ugly race.
Gingrich declared Armageddon.

One of the great things about following politics is the personalities involved. Newt, if you remember from the '90s, shut down the government as Speaker of the House, by not allowing a vote on budgets. He did this because, on a flight on Air Force One, he was asked to sit towards the rear of the plane, away from the president and other dignitaries. Now, in the style only a truly petulant child could bring, Newt has decided to fire both barrels at Mitt in the South Carolina primary race.

A scorched earth policy would truly be the best thing for the Republicans, at least in the humble opinion of this pinko-commie heathen.

The Traveler has come.

Humor Is Simple

I could come at this many ways
and tell jokes for days upon days.
A sight to behold,
this headline is gold:
"Has Santorum Gone Soft On Gays?"

As I said, I am a HUGE fan of the Republicans. This is a real headline that was published by a reasonably well-respected online publication. Just think: If Santorum wasn't such a hateful person, we wouldn't have the alternate definition and this would be just another headline.

Penis goes where?

Schrodinger's Candidate

Victory, Mitt has attained.
Too soon yet to pop the champagne.
The rest still remain.
I can't stand the strain.
I need something to numb my brain.

So, the New Hampshire primary is over. Mitt Romney won, which was only a surprise to anyone who has not read any news over the last 6 months. What might be more of a surprise, considering the "santorum surge", is that RON PAUL won second place. And, after all, the only way to save the GOP is to vote for RON PAUL!

The title is taken from Schrodinger's Cat. From the Wiki:

One can even set up quite ridiculous cases. A cat is penned up in a steel chamber, along with the following device (which must be secured against direct interference by the cat): in a Geiger counter, there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small that perhaps in the course of the hour, one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none; if it happens, the counter tube discharges, and through a relay releases a hammer that shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid. If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The psi-function of the entire system would express this by having in it the living and dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts. 

Mitt Romney is Schrodinger's candidate. He can be two different people at the same time.

Happy Birthday, Stephen Hawking!

His mind always leaves us gawking.
His theories have everyone talking.
The universe does
make more sense because
the brilliance of Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking celebrated his 70th birthday today. His mind is one of the greatest to ever grace our fair planet, and his contributions to our understanding of it are almost unparalleled.

Beer brings together minds of all sizes.

Monkey Mayhem

Need guidance? You just have to ask.
Grandpa is up to the task!
He'll soon pick who wins
New Hampshire, and then
the idiocy will be unmasked.

Grandpa, the howler monkey described as "barely psychic", will be picking the winner of the New Hampshire primary. Well, he'll be choosing a banana with a candidate's name written on it, but is that REALLY much different from how we do things?

My grandpa weren't no monkey.

Not Safe For Work. Not Safe for LUNCH.

He really is a stupid lout
who's numbers, by now, should go south.
Looks like a chia,
he spews diarrhea
and thick santorum from his mouth.

Slick Dick Santorum has brought out the old, tired slippery slope argument again, saying if "anyone can marry anybody else...then everyone can marry several people." Although my wife and I are not choosing polyamory or polygamy, why should consenting adults be told what they can (or can't) do in their own homes?

I really am confused by the cognitive dissonance on the right. How can you claim to be for smaller government and in the next breath want the government in everyone's bedroom? It really is something only an Electric Monk could believe. But even the Monk's circuits might get overloaded by the level of idiocy exhibited by the current Republican party.

You can tell his family values him.

The "chia" rhyme is forced. I'm sorry for that.

Running Forever And Going Nowhere.

Iowa takes center stage
hoping to soon turn the page.
They raise a ruckus
running their caucus
with ideas from the stone age.

The Iowa caucus is today. So much bluster, and yet it will mean almost nothing.

Family values I can support.

A Tangled Web.

Republicans keep telling lies.
They think that their elders were wise.
They ignore the facts:
Reagan raised taxes
and put blame on the other guys.

The Republican house majority leader, Eric Cantor, denied the fact that the current messiah of his party raised taxes at all. As a point of fact, he signed a tax increase each year between 1981 and 1987. Cantor wants to deny that history actually happened and wants to make it up as he goes along.

Pictured: Republican Jesus

Icons And Idiots

Cee Lo Green is in the news
expressing religionist views.
It's stupid and wrong
to change such a song
and in the end all of us lose.

Cee Lo Green appeared in Times Square for the New Years Eve celebration. The song he chose to sing was "Imagine", by John Lennon. It is a beautiful song, expressing how we could live in peaceful harmony if we put the idiotic things behind us, things that people us to "otherize" those who look or believe differently than themselves.

There is a line in the song, "Nothing to kill or die for, no religion, too". This expresses the belief that religion is something that people kill or die for, and a world without religion would help us all to live in harmony. Green, however, changed the lyric to "Nothing to kill or die for, all religions true". The idiocy of such an inane statement should be apparent to anyone with two brain cells. The obvious fallacy is that all religions CAN'T be true, as most belief systems are mutually exclusive. The thing that has upset most music fans is that "Imagine" is an iconic song, written by an iconic songwriter.

Cee Lo Green is nowhere near as talented, nor as smart, as John Lennon.

Shameless Plug

Start the new year with a new shirt! Visit my CafePress shop and let the world know you are one of the group that is taking over the world!

When Desperation Meets Dumb.

Pity the mind of poor Newt
who seems is in it for the loot.
With his offenses
come to your senses
and give this poor fucker the boot.

I am a fan of the Republican primary season. Not because I have a horse in the race, but because of the humor. The humor is amazing. This primary season is one that Thurber would write, or Twain, or any other great American satirist. The Republican candidates are not presidential. They are parodies of what an awful president would be. The Republicans have put forward a group of candidates that you might expect to be allowed to run by a tin-pot dictator in a banana republic, not legitimate contenders to the highest position in the country, and the leader of the free world.

Take, for example, Newt Gingrich. After falling like a stone from the front-runner position, he has attempted to curry favor from the idiots that encompass the base of the right by making this statement:

“I, also, am an amateur paleontologist, so I’ve spent 

a lot of time looking at the earth’s temperature 

over a long time, and I’m a lot harder to convince 

than just looking at a computer model.”

That right there is weapons grade stupid. That is not the kind of statement a thinking person makes. That is the kind of statement an idiot makes. Or a hypocrite pandering for votes.

I think both descriptions fit.

Former Speaker Gingrich and his wife, Stepford.

Politics Of The Bizarre

Some things just should not be said
when sanity hangs by a thread.
On crazy you've binged,
your mind is unhinged
and you have your pants on your head.

I'm starting off the new blog and the new year with something that's take-your-breath-away silly. Exopolitics is a different kind of special. Not as blatantly crazy as TimeCube, but pretty far out there. There is an article, for example, that states that President Obama visited Mars in 1980. Twice. It's true, the author says, because two government chrononauts told him so. And if you can't trust a government chrononaut, well who can you trust?

Historical footage of Obama's Mars mission.

Image courtesy of whyRpeoplesostupid

Happy New Year!

Awwww yeah. New year, new look for the worldwide leader in skeptical limericks! Among the changes, you might have noticed the new CafePress store to your right. I am going to try and introduce geeky, godless and limerick inspired stuff there.

Let's make 2012 the Year of the Limerick!

Santorum Surges. The Mayans Were Right!

Santorum is having a surge.
In Iowa the derp has splurged.
He's come from the back
and now leads the pack
and my lunch is back on the verge.

The last time Santorum went out of control.

Rick Santorum is "surging" in the Iowa polls. Ick.

Dumb As Far As They Eye Can See.

Anti-vax on New Year's Eve?
For facts, it is time to grieve.
For truth they don't care.
They feel they must share.
things people shouldn't believe.

The National Vaccine Information Center (NVIC) has decided to run an "educational" video on the dangers of vaccines during the New Year's Eve celebrations in Times Square. Whooping cough has started to become much more of an issue in New York, and the idiots at NVIC feel that there aren't enough sick kids around. Don't mistake me, I am a firm believer in parents' rights and informed consent, but these people push the envelope of stupidity with these advertisements.

Randi, Skepchick and Cuttlefish have much more on this issue.

My children are vaccinated as well.

Why You Should Service Your Customers.

Customer service ain't hard
You just have to stay on your guard.
Treat people like they
gave you their money.
In short: just don't act like a tard.

This is the face of stupid.

Paul Christoforo has decided that his ego is more important than his customers.

This Is A Thing That Actually Exists On My Planet.

The holidays have left me fogged.
Mired in a cookie-filled bog.
As much as I drink
I would never think
of collecting the shit from a log.

THIS IS A REAL THING!

It's better than bad.

Ah, Pope Benny. Never Short On Laughs.

Of all things the Pope has decried
this is a dumb one to deride.
I'm glad the pontiff
hates money. But what if
we knew all that he wants to hide?

The Pope, perched upon his throne and receiving a golden chalice encrusted with precious gems, has decried the "commercial glitter of Christmas". Apparently without a hint of a wry, ironic smile.

He also called for his followers to remember the "essence" of Christmas. Which I suppose would be a return to the old Norse mythologies that brought us the celebrations. This rambling screed has some actual facts in it. Click IF YOU DARE!

The money quote from the Pope's Christmas mass:

"If we want to find the God who appeared as a 

child, then we must dismount from the high horse

of our 'enlightened' reason," he said

Yup. Those of us enlightened souls who use reason to live out our short lives on this rock are just on a "high horse". A perch from which, the Pope proclaims, we must be knocked down.

Not Pictured: Irony

On The Twelfth Day Of Christmas...

The voices in my head are humming.
The whiskey is pleasantly numbing.
I've used all my cheer
'til Christmas next year
Now I must drown out the drumming.



Thanks to both of my readers for indulging me this little bit of nonsense.

Here are my two little drummers.

On The Eleventh Day Of Christmas...

As I am furiously typing
I can hear both of you griping.
It took all I had
to make sure you're glad
so here is your damned piper piping

The eyes that haunt my soul.

Fröhlich Krampusnacht!

Don't you dare cuss or swear!
If you are bad say a prayer!
If you do wrong
he'll drag you along.
Beware of the Krampus! Beware!


Some traditions should have been imported. Coal in the stockings is for pussies and communists. Krampus is the evil that America needs.

On The Tenth Day Of Christmas...

While I was gently sleeping
a lim'rick came a creeping.
I woke in a fright,
I beheld the sight
of a tight-pantsed lord a'leaping.

I shall never sleep again.

On The Ninth Day Of Christmas...

The season is still advancing
and some things need enhancing.
Crack open a keg
and kick up a leg
and enjoy these ladies dancing.

On The Eighth Day Of Christmas...

Santa and all of his ilk
for years from believers have bilked
behavior from those
opposed to wear clothes
and kept us from those who give milk.

I make no apologies.

On The Seventh Day Of Christmas...

Sometimes this seems to drag on.
I love it, so don't get me wrong.
I do get a kick
from writing lim'ricks,
but I'd rather go swimming with swans.

On The Sixth Day Of Christmas...

As I sit here I am gently swaying.
I nearly forgot what I was saying.
Could somebody please
explain 'bout the geese
and tell me just what they are laying.

Pictured: Wut?

Also this.

On The Fifth Day Of Christmas...

I hope that this doesn't get old.
I hope that you weather the cold.
I'l give you the key
to stay warm: whiskey!
And now here's your ring of gold.

Fun Fact: Originally, the gold ring referred to the ring necked pheasant, making the first seven gifts bird related.

On The Fourth Day Of Christmas...

Fowls on the phone sounds absurd.
They cannot utter a word!
If you're recalling
the birds are calling:
The real line is four colly birds.

Truth*. A colly bird is another name for a blackbird.




*Yes, I know wikipedia is not truth.

Farewell, Hitchens

He raised all our IQs a notch.
Idiocy fell on his watch.
We all know that Hitch
was nobody's bitch,
so let's thank him by raising a scotch.

I've never liked the term "New Atheist". Speaking out against religion is nothing new. That is why the old gods are now seen as myths, and why the current deities are destined to follow.

Christopher Hitchens was a voice against the tyranny of religion, and the idiocy of belief. His voice was silenced after a fight with cancer. I do not agree with all of his political positions, but I have nothing but respect for him.

Oh, yeah:

FUCK CANCER

On The Third Day Of Christmas...

The season is firmly entrenched.
In spiked eggnog we'll soon be drenched.
It might be the cheer
(or perhaps the beer)
but here are three hens that are french.

On The Second Day Of Christmas...

Today is now the second day.
I hope your apparel is gay.
May you find peace, love
and two turtle doves,
and cookies from the fat man's sleigh.

On The First Day Of Christmas...

The first day of Christmas is here,
so fire up holiday cheer.
Traditionally
my love gave to me
a bird in a tree that bears pears.

Yup, it's that season again. I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.

Money Can't Buy Happiness, But It Can Rent To Own

No one I know finds it funny
when you have misplaced your money.
Someone will laugh last
when sums are this vast.
That cash is somewhere warm and sunny.

Jon Corzine, former Democrat Senator and Governor of New Jersey, was the head of MF Global. That company is being investigated after collapsing in October. Corzine has stated that he doesn't know where some of the money has gone, which could total up to $1.2 billion. With a B.

Someone got that money, and they now have another nice vacation home in the Caribbean.

Trust

Religionists talk about trust,
how only their views are just.
If your moral guide's
that ass in the sky
I'll treat your views with disgust.

The headline is "STUDY: RELIGIOUS PEOPLE TRUST ATHEISTS ABOUT AS MUCH AS THEY DO RAPISTS".  They get their morality from a book that endorses slavery and says that a rape victim should be forced to marry her attacker. I get my morality from the idea that this is the only shot we have at life, and we should treat each other like it's their only shot as well. The idea of the Golden Rule, treating other people as you would have them treat you, is a central idea of religions and belief systems across the world, and predates Christianity by millennia. I prefer Confucious's version, personally:

"Zi Gong asked, saying, "Is there one word that may 

serve as a rule of practice for all one's life?" 

The Master said, "Is not RECIPROCITY such a word?"

I touched on the reciprocity idea almost 4(!) years ago in a limerick. Not as eloquent as Confucious, but I think it gets the point across.

One Down, Derp To Go

Cain has abandoned his run.
His indiscretions left him stunned.
He did something silly:
he thought with his willy
and now I Cain't have as much fun.

I have calculated the fact that Herman Cain abandoned his campaign because of an affair while Gingrich is the front runner to be 1.376 Newtons.

Cookies, Gravity And A Liar.

He uses his god to spout hatred.
His chances to win? Overrated.
If I e'er met Newt
one question I'd shoot:
"Which marriage did you find most sacred?"

Isaac Newton described gravity and laid the foundation for classical mechanics, Fig Newtons are awesome. But why, then, is Newton Gingrich the despicable person he is?

1 Newton (physics) - the amount of net force required to accelerate a mass of one kilogram at a rate of one meter per second squared.

1 Newton (food) - 1 Deliciousness Factor

1 Newton (politics) - A Standardized Level Of Hypocrisy

Example: Newt Gingrich saying that gays will destroy the sanctity of marriage while divorcing his wife as she recovers from cancer so he can marry the woman he was having an affair with, then divorcing that woman to marry another woman he was having an affair with is 3 Newtons of dumb.

Being Mental And Healthy

Some problems are those you can't see
and you wish that you could just flee.
You fight with the fact
your brain fights you back
and wonder if you'll ever be free.


I have, for a while now, been fighting depression. It is a vicious circle. Chronic pain can cause depression, and depression can cause or exacerbate chronic pain. My foot has been hurting me for years now, to the point that, at times, walking is a challenge. The pain has caused me some occasional "downs", but it finally caught up with me over the summer. As I described it to my doctor, when I finally was able to afford to see one (financial difficulties is another reason for my depression), I was worried but not yet scared. I could, in my mind, feel what each of the knives in our house would feel like as it ripped through my arm (down the road, not across the street). But I have never held a knife to myself in order to cause damage. It was all in my head.

Your head can do funny things to you. We are not in the best position, financially, but I have a wife whom I love, and who loves me very much. I have two children who give me endless joy. That doesn't matter when you have a mental health issue.

As I said, I was finally able to talk to someone about my problems. My doctor prescribed 20mg Citalopram nearly 2 months ago. It has taken a while, but I feel that the medication might finally be working and I might have finally turned a corner. Of course it is still early in my treatment and I have a long road ahead of me, but, for the first time in a while, I feel that I might come out the other side of this alright.

Limericks should be returning on a regular schedule shortly.

Thanks to JT Eberhard. His Skepticon IV talk is something everyone should see.

72 Years Is Not Enough Time For Love

The fires of love they fanned.
They weathered the small and grand.
Through good times and strife
they both shared one life
and they go out hand in hand.

A couple, married for 72 years, died in the hospital, holding each other's hand. From the article:

"It was really strange, they were holding hands, and dad stopped breathing but I couldn't figure out what was going on because the heart monitor was still going," said Dennis Yeager. "But we were like, he isn't breathing. How does he still have a heart beat? The nurse checked and said that's because they were holding hands and it's going through them. Her heart was beating through him and picking it up."

Pardon me. I have something in my eye.

What Is The Current Market Price For Children?

The Catholics say they've a heart
because they help families start.
The guilt goes away
if you will just pray
after tearing a family apart.

Catholics in Spain are accused of stealing nearly 300,000 babies from their mothers, and selling those babies to 'fit' parents. That is 15% of all adoptions in Spain over the 50 years. A network of nurses, doctors and priests would tell women that their child had died, but they could not see the body or attend the funeral.

Why did they have to stop? The Spanish government started regulating adoptions.

In Which I Reveal My True Love

The thought of it sets me to shakin'.
When near me it sets my loins quakin'.
I jump up and down
when I hear the sound
of my one truest love, bacon.

Dick Perry Is At It Again

Climate Change, again on trial
because Dick is still in denial.
Scientists pull their names
because they have brains.
And Dick's is a steaming pile.

Every scientist associated with an environmental report have asked that their names be taken off that report after every reference to climate change and sea level rise were scrubbed by appointees of Dick Perry. They have gone from sticking their fingers in their ears going "la la la la" to actively lying to people about the science.

Great job, Dick.

The Long, Long, Long, Long Goodbye

When you know that all you see
will be nothing, eventually
It'll make you mad.
You'll think you've been had.
Please die in a fire, entropy.

Entropy has always seemed to me to be the most...insufficient end to such a wonderful, glorious universe.

Surfin' Safari

Want to catch waves as a lark,
and surfboards don't provide a spark?
Then take a new tack,
be like Doug Niblack
and surf on the back of a shark.

Doug Niblack, a surfer in Oregon, was doing what surfers do. He ran into something, and was knocked off his surfboard. Then he found himself standing on the back of a shark. He then surfed that shark like a boss.

Watch The Guild. Do It. Now.

At last now my week has been filled.
The season's last show of The Guild!
'Tis true, it's the end.
But fret not my friends:
they won't leave us long unfulfilled.

Congratulations to Felicia Day, Sandeep Parikh, Jeffy Lew, Vincent Caso, Amy Okuda, and Robin Thorsen on completing another amazing season of The Guild. It was a joy to watch, and the cameos were icing on a delicious, funny cake.

The Recipe For Matrimonial Bliss

Can't find a bride? What's to be done?
Tried dating and failed and you're stunned?
Don't worry, don't fret!
There's hope for you yet.
If you need a wife, just take one!

Cuttlefish (grrr) shared a link about a worldwide problem. Men are kidnapping girls, some as young as 14, in order to force them to marry. In some cultures this is a religious issue, in some it is just how things are done.

I got my wife the old fashioned way.

Millard. Is That Even A Real Name?

Leading the pack is dear Mitt,
a duplicitous little shit.
He'll make a comment
Say" That's not what I meant"
then smile like a self-absorbed git.

I'm not a fan of Mitt Romney, either. He's a two-faced liar, who will always say whatever he think the current crowd wants to hear. The fun thing to watch this election cycle is how he simultaneously panders to the religious right, while talking down his Mormonism. Selling the idea that religion doesn't matter to Christian fundamentalists is an exercise in cognitive dissonance that should be hilarious.

Why I Am An Atheist

The beauty of life that we see
from an ant to the tallest tree
is explained by science.
There's no reliance
on anything, supernaturally.

I am an atheist because
I looked at religion and saw
that every belief
offers no relief
and each one is fatally flawed.

If we can let religions go
only then can we all know:
We're here together
in this grand adventure
and only as one can we grow.

There is a grandeur to this view
Darwin once said. It's still true.
Beautiful endless forms
have become transformed.
Open your mind, you'll see it too.

PZ Myers has put out a call for submissions of short essays on "Why I Am An Atheist". I prefer my essays in limerick form.

Even The Monkeys Are Ashamed

I still hope that we, as a group
won't define ourselves by our troop.
I know we're monkeys
but I still thought we
had evolved past flinging our poop.

Rebecca Watson shares a tale from the BBC in which ultra-orthodox Jews flung feces, among other less disgusting items, at girls just trying to get to school. Religion causes de-evolution?

And yes, I know that we are not technically monkeys.

Sloppy Joe

The right has just gotten dumber
now that they have Joe the Plumber.
His candidacy
is irrelevancy.
With thoughts he is not encumbered.

"Joe" the Plumber, flavor of the week from the 2008 presidential race, has announced that he will run for Congress. This is great news for Marcy Kaptur, the House's longest serving female member.

Scruffy, Prescient And Wise

In prison you take what you get.
Though sometimes you make a bad bet.
But what can you do?
Things go bad when you
make sangria in your terlet.

Twelve prisoners got botulism after drinking hooch made from contraband food.

Of course, it's shank or be shanked.

My Rowdy Friend

If Hank Williams Junior had sense,
he would work at mending this fence.
But sense he has spurned
and now he has learned
that an action has a consequence.

Oh, Hank. You so silly.

Pictured: jazz hands and fail

Herman Cain, Foreign Policy Guru

Some people think he's a saint,
but I think his ideas are quaint.
There's a thing or two
that Herman can do
And lots of things that Herman Cain't.

Herman Cain, Republican presidential hopeful, has stated that he doesn't care at all who is in charge of one of the countries that we might have to rely on in our war with Afghanistan. Knowing our international partners might not create a job, Mr. Cain, but it might go a long way in keeping our soldiers alive.