Money Talks

Even before it had bloomed
Chris Christie knew it was doomed.
Although the ticket
asked him, he quit it
to avoid the G O P's gloom.

JT shares a story about ho Mitt Romney's first choice for his Vice-Presidential candidate, Chris Christie, turned down that 'honor' in order to remain governor of New Jersey. His reasoning?

Money.

If Christie would run on the presidential ticket, he would have to step down as governor, due to New Jersey's 'pay-to-play' laws. If he were to run, banks and other investment firms could not donate more than $250 to the campaign and still do business in NJ.

Would Christie had run if Romney had a chance of winning?

"But Christie adamantly refused to sacrifice his post, believing that being Romney’s running mate wasn’t worth the gamble."

That's faith in one's convictions.

He looks hungry.

The Unkindest Cut

Let's calm down and get a grip.
I'll give all of you a good tip:
It's a boy? Then rejoice
but leave it his choice.
Avoid giving your son the snip.

Today, the American Academy of Pediatrics released a statement stating that "Evaluation of current evidence indicates that the health benefits of newborn male circumcision outweigh the risks and that the procedure’s benefits justify access to this procedure for families who choose it." I scoured the technical report looking for which study might have led to this conclusion, but there were no references at all.

There was a study concerning circumcision in the news recently. This study was deeply flawed on many levels, flawed to the point that The Lancet refused to publish. This study seemed to show that, for a certain subset of men in Sub-Saharan Africa, circumcision reduced the rate at which they contracted HIV. There are many, many sites which point out the flaws in this study, but the biggest flaw, in my mind, is the fact that those males that were circumcised for the study were told to refrain from sexual activity for 6 weeks and, if they were to engage in sex, they should wear a condom. Uncircumcised men in the study were not given the same advice, which gave them 6 extra weeks of opportunities to contract a STD.

Where did we get this idea that baby boys should have their genitals mutilated on a regular basis? As a religious ritual, circumcision has been around for thousands of years. In the United  States, however, we have John Harvey Kellogg to thank for the popularization of the practice. Yeah, the same guy who brought us Corn Flakes and Grape Nuts was a proponent of slicing off a bit of a boy's junk on a regular basis. From Plain Facts for Old and Young:

A remedy which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision.

The soreness which continues for several weeks interrupts the practice, and if it had not previously become too firmly fixed, it may be forgotten and not resumed. If any attempt is made to watch the child, he should be so carefully surrounded by vigilance that he cannot possibly transgress without detection. If he is only partially watched, he soon learns to elude observation, and thus the effect is only to make him cunning in his vice.

There is, of course, no medical basis for this type of thinking. Just an idea that, by cutting a boy's foreskin off, he would be broken of the evil nasty habit of masturbation.

Here's my idea. If we are going to perform unnecessary medical procedures on newborns, let's make them count. The only medical reason for circumcision is the prevention of phimosis. Phimosis has never killed a person in the history of humanity. Appendicitis, however, can be fatal. I propose that each newborn child, not just boys here, let's be truly equal, receive an appendectomy. If people are going to say that there is a medical reason for circumcision then let us perform other procedures on newborns that might save their lives down the road.

Of course, if you are against the saving of a child's life, then just admit that circumcision is a religious and cultural idea, and let us lump it in with female genital mutilation and stop the procedure completely.

One Small Limerick

On a pillar of flame through the air
he went to the moon, cause it's there.
Since I was a boy
I've looked up with joy
and wished that I could join him there.

Neil Armstrong, the first human being to step foot on a world other than our own, has passed away. Phil Plait, the Bad Astronomer, put his achievement better than I could hope to:

"I’ve said many times that we can divide all of history into two parts: before humans landed on the Moon, and after. It was not just an important moment, it was the moment, a defining, crystallizing slice of time that confirmed that we humans had become a space faring race. One world could not and would not contain us, and the sky itself was no longer the limit."

July 20th is one of the Stage Family Holidays. We celebrate Moon Day, the anniversary of his singular moment, his one small step that will forever mean that we earthlings shall never more be bound to this one rock.

Goodbye, moon man.

Born Free

Of everything on and off Earth
there are things that my time is worth.
This story's a bore.
Some things matter more
than the place of the President's birth.

Mitt Romney has finally embraced the crazy end of the Republican party. I know, I know, he's said some really stupid things since the primaries, but this one takes the proverbial cake.

"No one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate; they know that this is the place where both of us were born and raised."

His campaign has since tried to mitigate the idiocy, saying that “He’s illustrating that he was born and raised here in Michigan.”

If he's so proud of being from Michigan, why did he vehemently oppose the bailout of the auto industry?

Legitimate Limerick

Originally posted on Dispatches from the Culture Wars

Some things leave your mouth agape.
The bottom of barrels they’ll scrape.
It’s not a surprise
that Akin’s allies
defend his definition of rape.

Thus far I have stayed away from the idiocy that is Todd Akin. Akin is a Republican member of Congress from Missouri. He is currently running for the Senate against Democrat Claire McCaskill. On Sunday the 19th, Akin made one of the most profoundly stupid statements a politician has ever uttered:

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, 

that’s [pregnancy from rape] really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape,

the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

I can kind of understand the "legitimate" part of the statement. I'm sure he meant "forcible", which is how he and Paul Ryan have tried to define rape under proposed laws. The "try to shut that whole thing down" starts with a complete lack of understanding of basic human physiology and continues with a healthy dose of misogyny. Because, of course, if a woman gets pregnant then it is not a real rape. Her body didn't shut down the pregnancy, therefore she either wanted it or enjoyed it, so therefore no rape was committed.

Bryan Fischer has come out in support of Akin, even as Republicans have pulled both verbal and monetary support from him and his campaign.

Grade Card

People are making a fuss
about the new "atheists plus".
There's loads to untangle.
Whatever your angle,
we still have a lot to discuss.

The Atheism+ thing has been going around the atheist blog-o-sphere for a few days now, and I am sure that both of my readers have been waiting patiently for my take on it.

The wife and I had a discussion about this a while ago. I have identified as an atheist for a while now. As we were talking, she mentioned that the "atheist" label seemed empty. Atheism is not a positive belief. Atheism simply means one does not believe in any gods. Standing for no gods, or against every god (as I tend to do), is all well and good, but that doesn't describe what I actually believe.

If I had to put down what I had to believe, I would say that my feelings for the most part overlap the ideals of secular humanism. The current kerfluffle, however, says that humanism doesn't go quit far enough in being an accurate descriptor of some people's beliefs.

In comes Atheism+.

Jen McCreight describes it as "Atheism + Humanism + Skepticism", which seems to be about the best definition I could find online. This seems to me to be a grand idea. No gods, plus focusing on our fellow humans, plus having a questioning attitude about our universe seems to be a very positive statement.

I'm not ready to start calling myself an "Atheist+" yet, but I believe that this basic start can be a jumping-off point, something with which we can start a much broader conversation.

We're Not Evil, Just Misunderstood

We won't ask you to join a clique.
We're mostly here for laughs and kicks.
Come get to know
the H C C O
and help us get to 6 6 6!

The Humanist Community of Central Ohio is an extraordinary group of which I am lucky to be a part. They are having a drive on Facebook to get 666 likes before August 31st. As of right now, the page has 549 likes. If both of my readers like it, they'll get to over 550!

Deity Diet

If you eat your god like a roast,
like dry, dull and tasteless french toast,
make sure you don't slip
listen to this tip:
Make sure that you have the right host.

If you are Catholic, the ritualistic cannibalism is nothing new to you. Transubstantiation is the idea that, after the communion juice and crackers are blessed by the right magic words, they are turned into the literal blood and body of Jesus Christ. I touched on this earlier, concerning the passing of said deity. This post is not about that.

This post is about a little girl.

Allison Sisson has celiac disease, which prevents her from absorbing some essential nutrients and can cause abdominal distress and other issues. She is also a proud Catholic, and enjoys the ritualistic cannibalism that goes along with her beliefs. The normal cracker is just too wheaty for her, so her mother approached the priest with gluten-free crackers. The priest said that the snacks were hunky-dory, said the appropriate rites, and everything was fine.

Until the bishops got involved.

The one, true cracker is "wheat and wheat only", because "at the time, the bread was unleavened. It would have been basically wheat and water." Anything else would be uncivilized.

Easy Money

Working for cash is a chore,
but I found a way to make more!
A business that profits?
Buy it, then gut it,
then ship all of the jobs offshore.

Bain Capital, the company which Mitt Romney founded, ran, and which he still owns controlling shares in, has continued the philosophy under which he began the company. They have recently bought out an auto-parts company that has been turning a profit for years. Not content with measly auto-parts profits, Bain has divested the company of its assets and is moving the plant's operations to China. And, if that was not enough of a kick in the junk, the current employees are being asked to train their Chinese counterparts. The company's employees have appealed to Romney, but so far no answer from his camp has been forthcoming.

As I said yesterday, I am not against a corporation making a profit. Putting profits over people is wrong, and putting short term profits over long term growth is just stupid.

With a 'B'

Though they won't indulge in a beer,
and they've stifled freedom for years,
Mormons have dug deep
and shelled out a heap:
Seven BILLION dollars a year.

Yup. Current estimates have put tithes given to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints at up to $7B. All of it tax free. And what does the church do with these funds? Donate it to the poor? After all, Christ said that the rich won't enter heaven. Of course they won't donate it. They use their money as capital to leverage business acquisitions.

Now, I'm all for a business making a profit. Hell, I'm all for a church making a profit. If you are using your religion to make an obscene profit, then going directly against the tenets of that religion, you should have your tax-exempt status revoked, immediately and permanently.

It's True

He might seem clever and wily,
and thinks of himself very highly.
It took time to place
where I'd seen his face:
Paul Ryan looks just like Guy Smiley.

The 2012 Republican Vice-Presidential Nominee

H/T to Tyler Lowry

November is Coming

After we vote they'll be cryin',
because we ain't buyin' their lyin'.
Mitt Romney's veep pick
is thick as a brick
He won't win the race 'cause of Ryan.

Mitt Romney has hit derp factor 9, choosing Wisconsin Republican Congressman Paul Ryan to be his running mate heading in to the Presidential election in November. Paul Ryan had become well known for his budget that would have gutted Medicare, while raising taxes on the lowest wage earners and cutting trillions in taxes from the richest Americans.

Some have said the Rep. Ryan is the smartest guy on the Republican's side. I'm not sure what that says about the right, but Ryan is what a stupid person would think a smart person would sound like.

A day of infamy

As your voting base gets littler
and your mind becomes brittler
just rip out a page
of the Book of Rage
and say your opponent is Hitler.

Today, August 1st, 2012, is a banner day for women's health. Insurance companies cannot charge a copay for a wide range of preventative measures, including mammograms and birth control. These new guidelines don't help women who are not insured, but it's a start.

The Republicans have decided to take a completely different approach. By not requiring a co-pay, they argue, the government is attacking their First Amendment rights. Mike Kelly, a Pennsylvania Representative, spouted:

"I know in your mind you can think of times when America was attacked. One is December 7th, that's Pearl Harbor day.  The other is September 11th, and that's the day of the terrorist attack. I want you to remember August the 1st, 2012, the attack on our religious freedom. That is a day that will live in infamy, along with those other dates."

Not to be out-derped, New York Representative Ann Marie Buerkle babbled:

"August the 1st is a day that we as American will look at as the largest assault on our First Amendment rights."

I can understand their point. It's not like Jesus ever healed anyone without charging them.

Belief

Things sure do seem evident:
Religion is less relevant.
A new poll is out
that gives cause to shout:
Believers are less confident.

Gallup has released the results of a poll recently. Although, in America, 83.1% are believers, only 44% of Americans are confident in church/organized religion.

I wonder if it could be a message issue.

Laws Are Made To Be Broken

Intelligence they will insult
because they don't think like adults.
If they did not know,
then this goes to show:
Actions will lead to results.

One thing that I learned as a child is, when I do something, something else happens. Later on in my life I found out this was codified as Newton's Third Law of Motion. From the Wiki:

"Law III: To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction: or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and are directed in opposite directions."

If you do something, something else happens. Simple, right?

Unless, of course, you are in Florida.

A bill passed by the Florida legislature and signed into law by Gov. Rick Scott mandated the closing of the A.G. Holley State Hospital in Lantana. This hospital was opened in 1950 to service tuberculosis patients in the state. You can guess what happens, can't you?

The state of Florida is undergoing what a CDC official has called the "worst TB outbreak in 20 years". I know that the closing of the state's last hospital to treat serious cases of TB did not cause the outbreak, but so far 13 people have died because there is no place for those cases to be treated, and it is unknown how many cases there might be.

Put public health at risk, causing people to die and putting everyone else at serious risk to save some money? Sounds like a reasonable course of action to me.

As an aside, I would like to admit, for the record, that I am a living testament to Newton's First Law of Motion. When I am at rest, I will stay at rest until acted upon by an outside force. Usually my wife.

I'm not lazy. I am deeply casual.

Sunday's Best, July 8

As we meander life's road,
each burdened by our own load,
as some have now learned:
to yourself be concerned.
Don't inflict on others YOUR code.

A new thing I want to try is what I am calling Sunday's Best. I have written a lot of limericks about the idiocy of the religious people in America, and I think I should point out some of the not-as-hateful believers.

Today's entry is Alan Chambers, leader of Exodus International. Exodus International was founded in 1976 as a ministry seeking to limit same-sex feelings in homosexuals. Alan Chambers has recently said that "reperative therapy", the idea that you can "cure" homosexuality is wrong, and Exodus International, a one time  proponent of the "treatment", will no longer support such programs. He said that such treatments offer gays false hope, and may even be harmful. Exodus International has lost 11 ministries after Mr. Chambers made his statement.

I talk quite a bit about the idiocy of believers. I feel that Alan Chambers believes quite a number of extraordinarily silly things, but now there is a little less hatred being taught in the world

Taxing My Patience

It seems, at times, their thoughts are lax.
They can't seem to marshal the facts.
Though his thoughts seem strewn
Bryan Fischer's a loon:
He says "Go to church or be taxed."

I wish, from time to time, that I was more prone to use hyperbole as a rhetorical device. Sometimes it does appear that way, as I post the idiocy and drivel that comes my way. But this...this is a new brand of stupid, the likes of which I have not seen, and I have read a Ray Comfort book.

Bryan Fischer, of the American Family Association, came right out and said that if you do not go to church, then you should have to pay a tax.

No word yet on if a mosque or temple are allowed.

Eight Years Plus Job

Drive drunk and injure two men?
Go to jail, but what happens then?
The man in his robe
assigns the Book of Job.
Don't pass Go, just shout "Amen"!

The Constitution be damned, we're gonna start assigning Bible study as part of our punishment now!

Political Dissent

Can't stand which way he might vote?
Don't care 'bout his rights, not a mote?
One thing that ought'll
silence him: A bottle.
Or just shove a rag down his throat.

Good old Ohio. Just when I jump on Texas for Republican idiocy, my home state roars right back, trying to take the lead in a horribly depressing race.

Mitt Romney was stumping in Parma on Thursday, July 5th. A couple of rabble-rousers were exercising their "god-given" First Amendment rights, shouting "Pawlenty, Go Home" as the Minnesota Governor was giving his speech at the Parma strip mall. A true patriot, named Richard Brysac, thought that the peaceful chanting had gone too far, had crossed a line that should never have been crossed. So Mr. Brysac acted in the most patriotic way he could.

He tried to silence a chanter by drowning him with bottled water. When that didn't work, Mr. Brysac took the next logical step. That step, of course, was gagging the chanter, Al Neal, with a balled up handkerchief.

When asked why he assaulted Mr. Neal, Mr. Brysac stated:

"He seemed thirsty, so I tried to shove the bottle in his mouth. I thought it was wrong to interfere with [Pawlenty's] freedom of speech."

He then added:

"I acted out of character and I apologize if I offended anyone."

No, you acted completely in character. Politics is taking an ugly, ugly turn in this country. I just hope the violence doesn't increase in the next four months. I also hope that people can accept the results peacefully, no matter which team wins.

Politics is a gentleman's game.

Freedom Train Coming Through

Let ev'ry young girl and boy
learn how to shout it with joy!
Raise your voices high,
let them reach the sky!
Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, OI!

Burning Stupidity

Sometimes news leaves me at a loss.
We need to skim off all this dross.
You know things aren't right
if you just want whites
and then plan on burning a cross.

A church in Alabama is sponsoring a conference scheduled to begin on the 4th of July, running through to Friday the 6th. Inviting "All White Christians", they have a "sacred Christian cross lighting ceremony" event on Friday evening.

In Alabama. Burning a cross.

Yikes.

I'm An Amapist.

No matter where you might go,
through the heat, rain or snow,
just ignore their pap.
Don't believe their maps:
There's no such place as Idaho.

It's true. There is no such place as Idaho. "Idaho" is conceived by and foisted upon us by evil mapists, who needed to invent a mythical land in order to extort money from us, the normal people, in order to support Big Potato.

Maps are lies. Montana goes directly into Washington and Oregon. Anyone who says they have actually entered that mythical place known as "Idaho" is lying. They are mapists in the pocket of Big Potato, and anything they say about any subject can be dismissed with a slow shaking of your head, signifying the pity you feel for one who can believe such a silly idea.

Take The Plunge

I've got a tip for you, Rand:
Don't say such dumb things offhand.
Leave thoughts to those who's
ideas aren't so skewed
and just keep your head in the sand.

Rand Paul, dentist/senator/constitutional lawyer/historian extraordinaire has taken a plunge off the derp end after the Supreme Court ruling on the Affordable Care Act. In a statement so lacking in forethought, he said something so inane that it is scarcely believable a person could have made it and still have brainpower to breath.

“Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare

something to be ‘constitutional’ does not make it so.

The whole thing remains unconstitutional."

Yeah, Rand. That's precisely what it means. If the Supreme Court rules it constitutional, according to the what is written in the CONSTITUTION, it is constitutional.

A New Low

If you've bid intelligence adieu,
and think that our progress is through
let your mind decay
just kneel down and pray:
"Today I will learn nothing new!"

This was going to be just a one-off limerick, something that has been buzzing around in my skull for a couple of days that I had to get out. The idea that "I will learn nothing new today" seems to be a motto of right-wing kooks, something that they adhere to but never actually say out loud.

Until now.

Yesterday, the platform of the Texas GOP was released (PDF), and it has some horribly regressive gems in it. The kicker has got to be this sparkling turd:

"We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (HOTS)

(values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs 

that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education (OBE)

(mastery learning) which focus on behavior modification and 

have the purpose of challenging the student’s fixed beliefs and 

undermining parental authority."

Yup. The official platform of the Republican Party of Texas decries critical thinking. because it might challenge what the student believes. And we can't have that, can we?

Loch and Load

It's great to say that you're teachin'.
Make sure you aren't overreachin'.
'Cause if your lesson's
the 'truth' of Nessie
then those aren't facts: You're just preachin'.

The next step in fundamentalist idiocy is more stupid than I expected. A company called Accelerated Christian Education has reached the bottom of an already disturbingly deep barrel. Their argument, basically, is that the Loch Ness monster actually exists, so it must have swum there after Noah's flood, therefore evolution didn't happen.

They also teach that "apartheid was beneficial to South Africa; reasons include the claim that segregated schools “made it possible for each group to maintain and pass on their culture and heritage to their children”.

A charter school in Louisiana will receive government funding, in the form of vouchers, to teach these things to children.

J Geils Band Was So Very Right

If dating is not going well
and you've gone through a dry spell,
then just take the bait
and sniff out a date
and find true love based on a smell.

So, this is an actual really real thing that people do.

Words Mean Things

The best thing I've learned is ask why,
and all of life's answers you'll find.
Through all my queries
the big mystery's
how any "real" Christian could lie.

Words really and truly mean things. Very specific words mean very specific things. David Barton, historical revisionist extraordinaire, said:

"Now, that's why the Constitution's a problem. Look at Article III, Section 1, the treason clause--direct quote out of the Bible. You look at Article II, the quote on the President [having] to be native-born--that is Deuteronomy 17:15, verbatim. I mean, look at how many clauses come out [of the Bible]. That drives the secularists nuts, because the Bible is all over [the Constitution]. Now, we as Christians don't tend to recognize that. We think it's a secular document--we've bought into their lies. It's not."

Verbatim, as it so happens, is one of those pesky words that mean a very specific thing. Merriam-Webster's defines verbatim:

": in the exact words : word for word "

Lying for Jesus is still lying, and the Bible has very specific rules about lying.

Everything You Know Is Wrong

The war on knowledge has begun.
What we thought we knew now's undone.
I believed a bit,
then realized it's shit
because real science has been shunned.

Attention Time Cube guy: A new challenger has arrived!

The Quest for Right is a series of seven textbooks that purports to

"represent the ultimate marriage between 

in-depth knowledge of biblical phenomena and 

natural and physical sciences"

A glimpse at parts of Volume 1 shows the level of sheer idiocy to which the author has sunk. It truly is an escape from reality, and a triumphant refutation of everything science has learned over the years.

Evidence Is Lies

Idiocy seems to be winning.
The creationists are grinning.
Science is losing.
Let's all keep boozing:
There's new polls about beginnings.


According to a Gallup poll released June 1st, 46% of Americans believe that we were created exactly as we are.

It makes Leakey's prognostication seem a little sillier.

Good Kitty.

I know people care 'bout their cat,
their friend who will purr when they pat.
It's okay to mourn
when your friends pass on.
It's never okay to do that.

A Dutch artist lost his cat after it got hit by a car. I've lost a pet in the same way, so I can understand the pain of the loss. What I cannot understand, however is his response to it.

In what I can only describe as the creepiest thing ever, he turned his cat, Orville Wright, into a remote controlled helicopter.

You will see this whenever you close your eyes.

Kids These Days.

Some battles need to be fought,

although they leave me distraught.

It is not innate:

Kids aren't born to hate,

they grow up just how they were taught.

A small child sings about how "ain't no homos gonna get into heaven" during a service at the Apostolic Truth Tabernacle in Greensburg, IN. These words aren't the child's words. These words were given to him by an adult he trusts. An adult who is supposed to help mold him into a functioning member of society. All this child is going to learn is that anyone who loves differently than himself is evil.

There truly is no hate like religious hate.

Fowl

To fill all your prophecy needs,
make sure you get good chicken feed.
Because the devout
put back what comes out.
Just ask the Prophet Hen of Leeds.

Yes, this was a real thing. The moral I get from this tale? Don't shove anything back in a hole it came out of.

If either of my readers can find a natural rhyme for 'cloaca' please let me know.

Evolving Beliefs

Leakey has made up his mind:
Soon even 'skeptics' will find
that we finally solved
the facts we evolved
I think we'll still find them blind.

Paleoanthropologist Richard Leakey has said he expects evolution "skeptics" will admit, in the next 15 to 30 years, the the evidence is too overwhelming to ignore.

While I admire his optimism, I think he has neglected to take into his calculations the ignorance of the truly religious.

Dweam Wifin A Dweam

Think your marriage was a blunder?
Will it last? We don't have to wonder.
Dear Leader says he
thinks gays should marry
and now your vows will come asunder.

President Obama has come out to say the he thinks gays should be allowed to marry, using the same terms and getting all of the same rights and benefits of opposite-sex marriages. He has said before that he felt that same-sex couples could use the term 'civil unions', which I always felt had a 'separate but equal' kind of vibe.

I know that this pronouncement would not have affected the vote in North Carolina that enshrined hatred and bigotry into the state constitution. Again. I am happy that he has finally taken a stand to be on the right side of history.

On The Covering Of Legs

When I become king we'll all dance.
We'll celebrate with beer implants.
I'd hear all the pleas
then make a decree.
My first act: Ban all of the pants.

Pants are, inherently, a great wrong. They are an evil that truly great civilizations must eschew. There are many other options to replace pants that do not include seeing "your bits and bobs blowing in the wind, making noise, and reminding me of floppy wind chimes.*"

Shorts, kilts, togas and pajama bottoms are all classier, more comfortable options.

And pajama bottoms are NOT pants. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a lying liar, and anything they say can (and should) be dismissed.


*Thanks to Julia McCain for the quote.

Nip It In The Bud

If you think you might have a hunch
that your son might like boys a bunch.
He's got a limp wrist?
Then ball up your fist
and give that li'l guy a good punch.

Sean Harris, a pastor in North Carolina,went off on an interesting screed this past Sunday, extolling the virtues of child abuse as a means of gender identification.

"Can I make it any clearer? Dads, the second 

you see your son dropping the limp wrist, 

you walk over there and crack that wrist. 

Man up. Give him a good punch"

He has released a statement declaring his advocating of the punching of children to be a joke, taken out of context by the LGBT community.

Because jokes about beating children are the funniest.

Sean Harris, parent of the year candidate.

It's All Relative...

Since energy's equal to mass
times light squared, as I learned in class,
does that mean Andy's
mass will be increased
by the speed his head's shoved up his ass?

Andy Schlafly is not your normal, run of the mill idiot. He's a special kind of dumb. Andy is the "mind" behind Conservapedia, which bills itself as "The Trustworthy Enclyopedia". FSTDT brings us a quote of his, which seems to exemplify the neo-conservative mandate of waking each morning vowing "Today, I will learn nothing!".

"The problem is that E=mc2 does not meaning anything that makes sense. Anyone is welcome to try to explain it here. Eating a pound of cake does not cause one's energy to increase by the speed of light squared."

Andy Schlafly

Truly, this is a stupid that is willful, an ignorance to which one must aspire, a blithering idiocy that one must strive to attain. This is not a statement that a thinking person makes. This is the statement of a person who works diligently to remain at the forefront of ludicrous foolishness.

Scopes, Mark 2

Tennessee, known for its hooch,
has given the fundies a smooch.
They've shown that they see
facts are secondary.
Creation will be taught as truth.

The Scopes Monkey Trial was one of the most famous court trials in the history of the USA. In 1925, John Scopes was, ultimately, found guilty of teaching evolution in the classroom in violation of the law.

Here we are in 2012, banging our heads against the same wall. Science has proved, irrefutably, that evolution has occurred. Any other argument is a lie. Any person who says that there is a controversy in the science is a liar. Tennessee has allowed a bill to be passed into law that indulges the liars to let anti-science rhetoric into the classrooms in the state.

I am disappointed in the governor for not vetoing the bill. As a cynic, however, I am not surprised.

Reflections

I look at that guy in the mirror.
He looks scared. Could it be fear? Or
can he just not see
what tomorrow will bring?
I wish that I could see him clearer.

Head Games.

There are things that all people dread.
For me? Getting stuck in my head.
I so hate this pain.
It drives me insane.
I don't want to get out of bed.

I have, again, been fighting against depression. I know that the 40mg Citalopram is working for me, but the constant pain is working against me. It's impossible for me to ignore, or even put at the back of my mind for even a short time.

I am, however, going to be back to regular limericks. I have realized that creating these for both of you helps keep me sane.

Traditions

There once was a young bawdy nun
who did what each man wanted done.
She knelt in her grotto
repeating her motto
"God says many come into one."

She Blinded Me...

If you think the Koran is true,
then do what real scientists do:
Observe and then test.
Don't just make a guess,
don't count on what your "prophet" knew.

PZ tells a story about Islamic "science", in which the words of the Prophet Muhammad are subject to the scientific method. The issue, however, is that if you were to use shoddy science, you could prove anything, from a fly being dipped twice in a drink curing the diseases it carries to the existence of extra-terrestrials building the Egyptian pyramids.

Justice

The "good" book says "Vengeance is mine!",
and judgement is from the divine.
But just like that game
called "Phone" that we played
something got lost down the line.

Political Porn

Tonight we'll know the Union's state,
which we all know ain't all that great.
The President says
we'll see better days,
but it seems we'll just have to wait.

For the record, I am an Obama supporter. When he was running in 2008, we donated $25 to his campaign. We will not be doing that this time around. He seriously dropped the ball on the NDAA signing. Even though his "signing statement" stated that the indefinite detention would not apply to American citizens, what is to stop a future president from revoking that statement? Or even himself, at a later date. He has shown a bit more spine recently, though, with the recess appointment of Richard Cordray and standing up to the Republican idiocy in the House.

Tonight is the State of the Union Address. In it, President Obama is planning to lay out a path for future economic growth. The only way that can happen, in my view, is to cut spending (including military), increase taxes on capital gains to reflect the rest of the tax rates, decrease deductions and loopholes (including deductions for churches), and increase education and R&D spending. Only then can we truly compete in this global economy.

Michael Behe Is A Moron

Behe is causing me pain
Intelligence he often feigns.
Explain to me, please
how he walks and sees
with such a less evolved brain.

Michael Behe is an idiot. It is a tribute to the tolerance, patience and freedoms allotted to him that he is allowed to continue to spew his uninformed lies to the masses and claim it as "science". I'm not the smartest man on the planet. I don't have a college degree. I write limericks. But, and here's the important distinction, I am not a moron. I will not lie about or distort scientific findings to try and prop up an idea about the main deity of a bronze-age, desert dwelling goat herder. If I am shown to be wrong about a statement or a belief I hold, then I am willing to change it. That's what makes me different than a serial liar like Michael Behe.

Nothing is more or less evolved than any other thing. Because we are more complex than an amoeba does not mean we are "more evolved". That's a trap that most people fall into, if they don't really understand what evolution truly is.

Get educated about evolution.

It's As If Everyday Is My Birthday!

This year, for the lulz I'm rootin'.
The right? Their own feet they're shootin'.
Let's vote for the dope
and real soon, I hope,
we'll be cruisin' for a Newton

Newt Gingrich is the Hero of South Carolina, beating Mitt by nearly 13%. Since Dick Perry dropped out, my allegiance for laughs have shifted to Newt.

Newt and Mitt discuss their chances of winning in November

Love And Marriage And Bigotry

Sometimes these excuses are great,
and add humor to the debate.
They'll stand up and fight,
say "Don't take our rights!"
"If it's religious it's not hate!"

So, the newest argument from the religious leaders is that the legalization of same-sex marriage will cause them to be seen as bigots(PDF), therefore the marriages should not be allowed.

"As religious leaders across a wide variety of faith communities, 

we join together to affirm that marriage in its true definition must 

be protected for its own sake and for the good of society."

"In short, the refusal of these religious organizations to treat 

a same-sex sexual relationship as if it were a marriage 

marked them and their members as bigots, subjecting them 

to the full arsenal of government punishments 

and pressures reserved for racists."

Hey guys, I have a secret for you...

If you don't want to be seen as bigots the DON'T ACT LIKE A BIGOT.

See Dick. See Dick Run Away

He's leaving the stage in disgrace.
There's no way that he can save face.
The derp that he spewed
would leave us all screwed
Let's be glad he's out of the race.

Dammit all straight to the fiery pits of hell. Dick Perry, the biggest moron in the GOP race this year (and that's saying something), has dropped out of contention for the Republican nomination for president.

I has a sad.

That is sooo Takei.

Stay Strong, Jessica.

From Cranston, there once was a lass
who handled attackers with class.
The religious screed:
"She'll cow if bullied!"
stopped when she handed them their ass.

Jessica Ahlquist, student extraordinaire, has come under increasing fire from state legislators in Rhode Island. It is not, apparently, the job of a government official to uphold the United States Constitution. At least, not when votes are on the line.

Laws Are Made To Be Broken, Right?

When you want the poor to take tests
perhaps, I think, it would be best
before driving drunk
that you would have thunk
how to get your ticket suppressed.

There is a growing movement, in some of the "red" states, to force recipients of government funds, be those funds welfare, food stamps or even unemployment, to take drug tests. Personally, I feel that those laws are a violation of the 4th Amendment, but none of them have seen a court yet. There is a state representative in Georgia, John Andrew "Kip" Smith who has introduced similar legislation in the Georgia House.

Kip was driving home from a restaurant, ran a red light, then was pulled over by a trooper. He blew .091, and then failed the field sobriety tests. At the police station he blew .099 and .100 on subsequent tests.

This is, truly, the definition of poetic justice.

So THAT'S what hypocrisy looks like.

Tyranny Of The Majority Is Still Tyranny.

Palumbo's shown to be a fool.
Laws are now suggestions not rules?
He picks on a teen
who's "evil and mean",
and thinks prayers are okay in school.

Peter Palumbo is not a nice person. After Jessica Ahlquist won her fight to have the banner removed from the Cranston West High School gym wall, he called her an "evil little thing". who is "being coerced by evil people".

Palumbo needs to grow up a bit, and realize that laws are to protect EVERYBODY. He also needs to recognize courage when he sees it, and to stand up for what's right.

Why Campaign At All?

"Let them eat cake" is the quote.
Born rich? Then you shouldn't gloat.
Hand out a pittance,
then say good riddance.
The best way to win is buy votes.

Mitt. Such a down to earth normal Joe. If that "normal Joe" inherited millions of dollars from his father, got every opportunity handed to him then became a politician who will do or say anything to anyone for a vote, then he's the most normal Joe there is.

Mitt Romney, Schrodinger's candidate for president, was at a campaign stop in South Carolina. At this stop, he was approached by a woman with a story about how her electricity was turned off, and how was he going to help her. He reached into his wallet and handed her "50 or 60 dollars". A man who is campaigning partially on a platform of boot-strappiness and no government handouts hands out money to random strangers at campaign stops.

Although...

It appears that this woman, Ruth Williams, was apparently a volunteer for the Romney campaign. So an act of supposed kindness turns out to be a calculated political move that, if not blatantly illegal, should be at least investigated by the FEC.

What bootstraps might look like

With Great Power Comes Great Dickishness.

It would be nice if he cared,
perched on his throne in the air.
If all his grandeur
would help out the poor,
or if he did good anywhere.

God, as we have been told, is a stand-up kind of fellow. A really good guy, they say. That is why, in a new poll, 43 percent of people asked stated that they thought God was helping Tim Tebow win football games. 54 percent of people identifying as Republicans answered in the affirmative as well. So, instead of relieving pain and suffering that occurs worldwide, instead of stopping rapes and murders and genocide across the world, instead of protecting people from hurricanes, tornadoes and earthquakes, the "all-loving" God is helping a holier-than-though second-rate quarterback win football games.

That's a deity who, even if he did exist, I could not follow. That guy sounds like a dick.

God's own quarterback.

Victory For Rationalism

Jessica's battle's been won
but there's still much more to be done!
Though now she is slurred
she stood to be heard
and we're better off in the long run.

Jessica Ahlquist, a student in Cranston High School West, walked in on the first day of school and saw this banner:

As you can plainly see, it is a purely secular message, that is all inclusive of every belief. At least, that's what the administration of the school wanted a judge to believe. Jessica, with help from the ACLU, brought suit against the school to have the banner removed, citing violations of the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. Today, a judge sided with her, and the school has 10 days to remove the banner.

Congratulations for standing strong, Jessica. You are an inspiration. I hope my children will be as strong as you are when they get older.

Can't Beat 'Em? Blow 'Em All Up!

The GOP is now sweatin'.
South Carolina is gettin'
to be a good place
for an ugly race.
Gingrich declared Armageddon.

One of the great things about following politics is the personalities involved. Newt, if you remember from the '90s, shut down the government as Speaker of the House, by not allowing a vote on budgets. He did this because, on a flight on Air Force One, he was asked to sit towards the rear of the plane, away from the president and other dignitaries. Now, in the style only a truly petulant child could bring, Newt has decided to fire both barrels at Mitt in the South Carolina primary race.

A scorched earth policy would truly be the best thing for the Republicans, at least in the humble opinion of this pinko-commie heathen.

The Traveler has come.

Humor Is Simple

I could come at this many ways
and tell jokes for days upon days.
A sight to behold,
this headline is gold:
"Has Santorum Gone Soft On Gays?"

As I said, I am a HUGE fan of the Republicans. This is a real headline that was published by a reasonably well-respected online publication. Just think: If Santorum wasn't such a hateful person, we wouldn't have the alternate definition and this would be just another headline.

Penis goes where?

Schrodinger's Candidate

Victory, Mitt has attained.
Too soon yet to pop the champagne.
The rest still remain.
I can't stand the strain.
I need something to numb my brain.

So, the New Hampshire primary is over. Mitt Romney won, which was only a surprise to anyone who has not read any news over the last 6 months. What might be more of a surprise, considering the "santorum surge", is that RON PAUL won second place. And, after all, the only way to save the GOP is to vote for RON PAUL!

The title is taken from Schrodinger's Cat. From the Wiki:

One can even set up quite ridiculous cases. A cat is penned up in a steel chamber, along with the following device (which must be secured against direct interference by the cat): in a Geiger counter, there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small that perhaps in the course of the hour, one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none; if it happens, the counter tube discharges, and through a relay releases a hammer that shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid. If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The psi-function of the entire system would express this by having in it the living and dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts. 

Mitt Romney is Schrodinger's candidate. He can be two different people at the same time.

Happy Birthday, Stephen Hawking!

His mind always leaves us gawking.
His theories have everyone talking.
The universe does
make more sense because
the brilliance of Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking celebrated his 70th birthday today. His mind is one of the greatest to ever grace our fair planet, and his contributions to our understanding of it are almost unparalleled.

Beer brings together minds of all sizes.

Monkey Mayhem

Need guidance? You just have to ask.
Grandpa is up to the task!
He'll soon pick who wins
New Hampshire, and then
the idiocy will be unmasked.

Grandpa, the howler monkey described as "barely psychic", will be picking the winner of the New Hampshire primary. Well, he'll be choosing a banana with a candidate's name written on it, but is that REALLY much different from how we do things?

My grandpa weren't no monkey.

Not Safe For Work. Not Safe for LUNCH.

He really is a stupid lout
who's numbers, by now, should go south.
Looks like a chia,
he spews diarrhea
and thick santorum from his mouth.

Slick Dick Santorum has brought out the old, tired slippery slope argument again, saying if "anyone can marry anybody else...then everyone can marry several people." Although my wife and I are not choosing polyamory or polygamy, why should consenting adults be told what they can (or can't) do in their own homes?

I really am confused by the cognitive dissonance on the right. How can you claim to be for smaller government and in the next breath want the government in everyone's bedroom? It really is something only an Electric Monk could believe. But even the Monk's circuits might get overloaded by the level of idiocy exhibited by the current Republican party.

You can tell his family values him.

The "chia" rhyme is forced. I'm sorry for that.

Running Forever And Going Nowhere.

Iowa takes center stage
hoping to soon turn the page.
They raise a ruckus
running their caucus
with ideas from the stone age.

The Iowa caucus is today. So much bluster, and yet it will mean almost nothing.

Family values I can support.

A Tangled Web.

Republicans keep telling lies.
They think that their elders were wise.
They ignore the facts:
Reagan raised taxes
and put blame on the other guys.

The Republican house majority leader, Eric Cantor, denied the fact that the current messiah of his party raised taxes at all. As a point of fact, he signed a tax increase each year between 1981 and 1987. Cantor wants to deny that history actually happened and wants to make it up as he goes along.

Pictured: Republican Jesus

Icons And Idiots

Cee Lo Green is in the news
expressing religionist views.
It's stupid and wrong
to change such a song
and in the end all of us lose.

Cee Lo Green appeared in Times Square for the New Years Eve celebration. The song he chose to sing was "Imagine", by John Lennon. It is a beautiful song, expressing how we could live in peaceful harmony if we put the idiotic things behind us, things that people us to "otherize" those who look or believe differently than themselves.

There is a line in the song, "Nothing to kill or die for, no religion, too". This expresses the belief that religion is something that people kill or die for, and a world without religion would help us all to live in harmony. Green, however, changed the lyric to "Nothing to kill or die for, all religions true". The idiocy of such an inane statement should be apparent to anyone with two brain cells. The obvious fallacy is that all religions CAN'T be true, as most belief systems are mutually exclusive. The thing that has upset most music fans is that "Imagine" is an iconic song, written by an iconic songwriter.

Cee Lo Green is nowhere near as talented, nor as smart, as John Lennon.

Shameless Plug

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When Desperation Meets Dumb.

Pity the mind of poor Newt
who seems is in it for the loot.
With his offenses
come to your senses
and give this poor fucker the boot.

I am a fan of the Republican primary season. Not because I have a horse in the race, but because of the humor. The humor is amazing. This primary season is one that Thurber would write, or Twain, or any other great American satirist. The Republican candidates are not presidential. They are parodies of what an awful president would be. The Republicans have put forward a group of candidates that you might expect to be allowed to run by a tin-pot dictator in a banana republic, not legitimate contenders to the highest position in the country, and the leader of the free world.

Take, for example, Newt Gingrich. After falling like a stone from the front-runner position, he has attempted to curry favor from the idiots that encompass the base of the right by making this statement:

“I, also, am an amateur paleontologist, so I’ve spent 

a lot of time looking at the earth’s temperature 

over a long time, and I’m a lot harder to convince 

than just looking at a computer model.”

That right there is weapons grade stupid. That is not the kind of statement a thinking person makes. That is the kind of statement an idiot makes. Or a hypocrite pandering for votes.

I think both descriptions fit.

Former Speaker Gingrich and his wife, Stepford.

Politics Of The Bizarre

Some things just should not be said
when sanity hangs by a thread.
On crazy you've binged,
your mind is unhinged
and you have your pants on your head.

I'm starting off the new blog and the new year with something that's take-your-breath-away silly. Exopolitics is a different kind of special. Not as blatantly crazy as TimeCube, but pretty far out there. There is an article, for example, that states that President Obama visited Mars in 1980. Twice. It's true, the author says, because two government chrononauts told him so. And if you can't trust a government chrononaut, well who can you trust?

Historical footage of Obama's Mars mission.

Image courtesy of whyRpeoplesostupid